A tale of two boys

One real, one imaginary. I've been out meandering again today, on what has been a much nicer day than yesterday, cool and breezy, but with more or less unbroken sunshine. The latter part of the morning and early afternoon were spent debating with my better judgment about whether I should try once more to 'find myself' on a certain bus route at a certain time, but, for once, common sense won the day, and I managed to restrain the impulse. I don't know if I was more afraid of screwing up the schedule like yesterday, or getting it right and having him (most likely) ignoring me, or, worse, freaking out and thinking I was stalking him. I did end up perhaps no more than 3 or 4 bus stops from where he would have been after school, but that was a genuine coincidence, because I was on a different route, going, in terms of where he was, in the opposite direction. To what has become my 'second string' Wetherspoons, where, in amongst the beer, I finished re-reading Alexandrine yet again. At least I can love Xander without deleterious consequences.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Bucket list, item 1 of 1

I was just about to go out on what is the first of 12 days off, but I've just looked out of the window to see it pouring with rain. I'll still go, though, maybe just a little later. Because I'm utterly fed up of being at the bottom of the heap, despite trying to live my life in a way other people might find acceptable. Except they don't, of course, whichever way I turn all I see is society's view of me as a cardboard cutout villain. Well, call me what you will, because I'm going to make sure I'm on the same bus I was when I had my 'oasis moment' on Friday. I have almost no doubt that I'll end up disappointed, but there's nothing much left to lose, anyway, so what does it matter?

1615 edit: I actually saw him, but not on the bus, and in circumstances that were so stupidly depressing, or depressingly stupid, or both, that I can't bring myself to talk about it. When the fates seem to be so determined to make your life a misery, all that's left to do is to consume enough liquid anaesthetic to render yourself insensate.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Flowing downhill

No matter your position (real or perceived) in life's pecking order. there always seems to be someone lower to be dismissively judgmental about. But these judgments are more often than not in the eye of the beholder. Perversion being one of them, it seems. Shit flows downhill. At least until you find yourself in the position designated the 'lowest of the low'.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Do you dream in colour?

That was a question I didn't know the answer to, about myself, anyway, for many years, until one night in my twenties, when I had a very vivid (non-sexual) dream about the daughter of a friend of mine, in which she was wearing a bright orange bathrobe. I had another vividly coloured moment in a dream in the early hours of this morning, involving a small boy on a ferry with intensely green eyes, greener than any I've ever seen in waking life. I don't remember anything else about the dream, just those eyes.
The dream boy wasn't as head-turning as a little guy I saw leaving Hackney Central station with his (presumably) mother as I was passing on a bus yesterday lunchtime, though. Blond hair, lovely face, too far away for me to see the colour of his eyes, although blue would have been a good guess, given the colour of his hair. Not the slightest sexual element to my admiration of him - he was only about 4 or 5 - just appreciation of the perfect beauty of a delightful little boy.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Oh well!

K is a single woman again - cute boyfriend the second was apparently 'a child'. Would that it could have lasted a bit longer so I could have got to have known him better, because if he's 16 going on about 12, as K suggested, and seemingly with, at least from what my girl has said, a bicurious past, he would've been a good match for my 54 going on 12! Damn!!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

A rubber stamp moment, and an oasis moment

My second work medical in less than a month, this one supposedly a follow-up in connection with my long-term sickness last year, was a thoroughly perfunctory affair, with exactly the same outcome as its predecessor, namely that I'm still fit to do my job. It got me out of a late turn, if nothing else, with the collateral advantage that I'm now in my local rather than wage slaving, so it can't be all bad.
Not half so good, though, as a little moment of connection with a more than passably cute boy on my meandering way from town to here. It came on an after-school bus, where I was occupying my favoured eye candy spotting niche, the left hand seat at the front of the top deck, while he was in the corresponding seat on the right. A gaggle of girls, from the same school as him, as far as I could tell, were getting off the bus at the first town centre stop, and were giggling maniacally about something or another. The collective noise they were making was, to say the least, strange, like a laughing gas attack on an aviary, and both the boy and I turned to see what was going on. He very obviously rolled his eyes and blew through his lips, and our eyes met just at that juncture. It was evident that we had pretty much the same thought in mind - 'Girls!!!!' - and that shared second caused us both to break into spontaneous grins. These things never have a sequel, of course, but, as I've said before, any oasis in the wilderness of life as a boylover is thoroughly welcome.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Black and white

My heart was in my boots almost as soon as I got to work yesterday afternoon. There had apparently been a documentary on TV on Wednesday evening about a person who had set up a fake website to entrap 'paedophiles' by posing as various young girls, and the programme was the first topic of conversation, along with a recent case of a school deputy head who'd committed suicide after having been found to have secretly taken pictures of boys in his school's changing rooms. Cue the usual kneejerk reactions, the 'hang 'em, flog 'em and lock em' up and throw the key away' bullshit 'cut and pasted' directly from the tabloid press, without any further thought process at all. Nothing I haven't heard umpteen times before, but the reason I was so downhearted by it on this occasion was that the conversation was initiated and pretty much led by probably the only person at work I would consider a friend as opposed to a colleague, the guy I work with regularly who's the father of the two boys, including the supercutie whose photo is his phone wallpaper, I've mentioned a number of times in the past. The knowledge that if I let my mask slip, even for a second, I'd become a hate figure for him really hit me hard. But, of course, my attractions are a 'choice'. Ask any 'right thinking' person.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B