Progressing, nervously

Things are happening as far as the flat goes - I've had a formal letter from the estate agents confirming the acceptance for my offer from the vendors, and I've now got a solicitor arranged (at a price, of course - there are no certainties beyond death, taxes and grasping lawyers, it seems!), so everything appears to be going smoothly so far. Because of my almost pathological pessimism, though, I'm expecting some disaster looming, almost by the hour, given the way my life has lurched from crisis to crisis (many self-inflicted, I'll admit) over so many years. I'm not prepared to breathe easily until the keys of the place are in my hands - and even then, I'll probably drop them down the nearest drain, or something equally deranged!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

A big deal

Unless something unforeseen happens, I've bought a flat today, a good place, too, in my opinion. I very much hope that I've made the right decision, because I expect I'll live there the rest of my life. Wish me luck!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Not vacillating

Within minutes of publishing my last post, I saw a guy, maybe ten years younger than me, wearing a t-shirt that said 'STILL HATE THATCHER'. That is one sentiment I will never question, ever.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Vacillation

I had a trip yesterday, 'up north', 200-odd miles from 'domicile-ville', to view a flat on the outskirts of a large town, somewhere I've never lived in, but within thirty miles of the place where I met my ex, and where K was born, so, overall, an area I'm familiar with. And the flat is stunning, given my property budget, easily the best place I've seen over the six months, give or take, since I've been house hunting. But I'm still hesitant, thinking of all the snags could arise, real or imagined, paralysed by doubt. I used to be reasonably decisive (albeit prone to terrible choices, at times), but now I'm seemingly incapable to cope with any substantive questions. It's not a pleasant feeling.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Despair

For a while now, I've tried to convince myself that I should be back to blogging regularly - my aphasia won't be 'cured', ever, but I can function, to a degree, and I could compose a post like this, albeit not very fluently, and more to the point, not quickly. Writing is, mostly, work now, as opposed to a pleasure. But I could force myself to doing it, sometimes, if it wasn't that the world, in its present iteration, was so relentlessly depressing. My own situation is my problem, but the wider world is simply appalling, as far as I can see. The forces of reaction, of selfishness and greed, of bigotry and hatred, are winning, everywhere. Much as I love K, there are days that I wish that she was never born. I'll be dead soon, realistically, but she'll have to live with the consequences of my mistakes, of the world's mistakes. What a legacy.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Summer holiday end

Today is the last hurrah of this year's school summer holidays (I believe - I'm not up to speed in that context, given that K finished school in June 2016!), and this year's model has been by far the poorest crop, in terms of eye candy, of my whole adult life. It's completely my fault - I simply haven't been anywhere, apart from a couple of day trips looking at property viewings, and two or three times when I met K for lunch. Basically, I've been a recluse, and almost a willing one, at that. This lunchtime, though, has been a little oasis, for all of fifteen minutes. I was at a bus stop in 'domicile-ville', close to my chemists after getting my regular batch of meds, when I had two 'boy moments', one after the other. The first was with a little guy, 8/9, who was walking his Grandma's dog (by appearances, the woman was 60-something) - he saw me and smiled, I reciprocated, then smiled more widely, twice more, before disappearing into a side street. I was feeling more like a part of humanity already, but 'moment two' was even better - a couple of minutes later, two 13/14 year old cuties arrived, the taller guy being very attractive, and right in my AoA. And not only that, but he spoke to me! He asked me a question, very politely, about the imminent bus, which, sadly, I wasn't able to answer, partly because I simply didn't know, and partly because of my frustratingly poor speech, but I did at least suggest that he could ask the bus driver, which he duly did. I couldn't resist asking if he resolved his problem, and he said he had, thanking me and giving me a very nice smile. Yeah, I know I'm bloody desperate, but any contact with boys, especially cute ones, is better than nothing.

Love & best wishes to all

Sammy B

Where's the local hermitage?

This hasn't happened to me for quite a while, but I'm in the presence of a heartbreaker. I'm directly opposite (in 'domicile-ville' Wetherspoons) an astonishingly boy, but worse, a boy who resembles, more than a little, the boy. DBJ. I know he's 21 now, more or less, but my mental photograph album is sacrosanct. However pathetic that makes me seem.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B