Friday, 27 February 2015

Immerse

In a comment on another blog a couple of days ago, I remarked on the fact that I'd 'quote-mined' Nineteen Eighty-four more than any other book. And here I am, revisiting Orwell's magnum opus yet again - '....a deliberate drowning of consciousness by means of rhythmic noise'. If you can extend the scope of the definition of 'rhythmic noise' to include music, that's what I've been doing for the last two hours. I'd arrived in my local, after six hours of meandering around London on this first day of my long weekend off, and my thoughts had begun to take on a distinctly depressive tone, around boys, and matters arising, needless to say. So I put my headphones on, and drowned my brain in loud music. And it has worked, to a degree, although my situation wasn't helped by the fact that there was a family, including two boys - not especially cute, but not at all difficult to look at - sitting at the table directly in front of mine until a few minutes ago. Nevertheless, I'm feeling considerably more at one with the world than I was earlier - the power of music, once more.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Need a break....

....and, luckily, I've got one. Less than halfway through my shift today, I was ready to simply get up and walk out of the door, never to return. It's not the job, it's the egregious collection of bigots, fascists and fuckwits - and some of the individuals concerned fall into more than one of those categories, one or two into all of them - that I'm condemned to work with that's the problem. Added to my being very tired, and feeling decidedly under the weather - it was one of those days that crop up once in maybe every twenty, when my heart meds don't seem to do their stuff as effectively as usual - I really was totally fed up with everything. It did finally come to an end, though, half an hour earlier than I'd expected, actually, with a couple of the night shift coming in early for overtime, and the sense of release was almost palpable, because I'm now off until Wednesday morning, the first time I've had more than two days off in a row since the beginning of December. I'm not planning to do much beyond chilling out and drinking beer, but the old chestnut about a change being as good as a rest is thoroughly apposite in this case.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Two dreams

Last night was one of those occasions when I remembered my dreams, for some reason, and, while neither of them were remotely likely to happen in real life, the two dreams revealed, not for the first time, some psychological truths. The first involved me being in a relationship with a woman, and being cheated on, while the second found my dream avatar cuddling and snuggling with a very cute (but entirely imaginary) young boy. I may have been at least partly awake the second time, because I can distinctly remember a conscious thought of 'this is more like it', referring, of course, to a comparison of the two dream scenarios. I guess the comparison was a no-brainer, really, given that I've wanted a boy to love since I was 12 years old - consciously, that is, maybe even longer subconsciously - while my interactions with the opposite gender have, in almost every case, ended in tears. Today's society being what it is, I guess I was always doomed to disappointment and lack of fulfillment, but, of course, I'm by no means unique in that respect.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Now we are five

Five years ago today, Sammy B's Semicentennial, the original incarnation of this blog, was launched onto the waves of the cyberspace ocean. And, notwithstanding doubts and fears, comings and goings, happiness and sadness, and huge changes to my 'real life' situation, here I still am. I may be wrong, but I think there's only one other person who was around on 24/2/10, in the particular corner of cyberspace I gravitated to, who's still actively blogging now - the landscape has changed more than a little, and, overall, probably not for the better. That said, and despite my recent doubts about the value of carrying on, I think there are still more pros than cons, so carry on I will. Sorry, guys, you haven't got rid of me yet!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 23 February 2015

Moral superiority complex

I very much doubt that many committed members of the Abrahamic religions read my blog, but should such a person visit, and declare my moral bankruptcy because of my sexuality, my desires, I'd refer them to this. And then ask them how morally superior they feel.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Close encounters of the cutie kind

Not long after I arrived at work this afternoon, I was groaning inwardly and bemoaning my luck - after the torturous shift I had to contend with recently, another of my colleagues had brought his son into work with him, and, to make matters still worse, I was working the position next to 'the archbigot', the very last person I would want to see the slightest hint of 'the real me'. I'd met today's boy's older brother, 14 but looking more like 12, and cute with it, on a couple of previous occasions, and 'little bro', 9 or thereabouts, certainly showed a family resemblance. Far too young, needless to say, for anything other than 'eye candy' status, but still a potential pitfall I could certainly have done without. Things, though, didn't pan out quite as I'd expected. For the first half of the shift, I didn't see much of the boy - Dad was in the support position on the 'back desk', and the little guy stuck pretty close to him, but, later on, things got busier, and my colleague had to get 'hands on' with the job, in the positions, successively, on either side of mine. Given that I wasn't especially busy, I ended up 'child minding', answering the boy's questions about what was going on and generally keeping an eye on him while his dad was otherwise engaged. And he gave the impression of being a rather bright, switched-on little cookie, always a massive bonus as far as I'm concerned. There was one awkward (for me) moment, when I'd stood up to do something, and he moved and ended up standing very closely in front of me, close enough that I could feel his body heat, which had a physiological effect, so to speak, but the boy, of course, was completely unaware of anything untoward, as, thankfully, were the rest of the company. All in all, we got along famously, to the point that when the boy said goodbye to me - his dad finished ten minutes or so before I did - and I gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder, he moved as though he was going to give me a hug. He stopped short, maybe because his dad was standing right behind him, but I think it was indicative of how we'd connected. The best 'boy moment', in short, that I've had for many a long day. Not that it will lead to anything, given his age, but it's certainly brightened my weekend.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Friday, 20 February 2015

Unputdownable

I stayed up very late last night - well, the early hours of this morning, really - much later than I would ordinarily do. What was the reason? A story. One I'd thought I'd read before, at one of the online story sites I frequent, and I'd certainly read the start of the tale in the past, but the second half of the story didn't ring too many bells at all, so maybe I didn't finish it the first time around. I did on this occasion, though - at 3:45! It was a man/boy story, with the twist that it was man/boys - identical twins - and with a little fantasy element added in, too. Yes, there was some sex, but, to me, it was far more a love story, and one with a happy ending, never a bad thing. The story is here, if anyone would like to investigate the motivation for my sleep deprivation!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B