Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Bittersweet, not for the first time

I watched a film tonight, from one of my meagre collection of DVDs, the first time I've done that for, literally, years. It was a film I've seen several times - I couldn't say, exactly, how times, but it must be at least a dozen - but I hadn't watched it for at least five years. The film is quite elderly these days - it was released in 1984 - but I still find it compelling and relevant for me, with its elements of hypocrisy and society's expectations, the expectations that you transgress at your peril. It's a very beautiful film aesthetically, in my opinion, and there's an absolute cutie in the cast, too (Adrian Ross-Magenty, playing Wharton, albeit that the actor will be pushing 50 now in real life), but it's achingly sad for me, all the more because the world is just as unaccepting for people for in my situation, if not more so, that it was when it was produced. The film? Another Country.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 12 November 2018

Doleful anniversaries

It's not been a cheerful couple of days, if I'm being honest. After my 'waah!' moment on Saturday about Cammy, Sunday brought reflections about my cousin, the greatest love of my life, bar none, given that yesterday was his birthday, followed by today, the anniversary of meeting my ex for the first time (27 years ago, almost half my life, and for what?). I'll survive, doubtless, but it seems pretty pointless, sometimes.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Saturday, 10 November 2018

How are you?

That question. The one that so many people ask, but the one they almost never want to hear, at least in terms of an honest answer. If I was to be asked, I might soften my response by using the old chestnut 'How long have you got?', but if I was to be completely frank, the answer at the moment would be 'I'm totally pissed off'. This is nothing to do with the new flat - I spoke to the solicitors on Thursday, and everything seems to be going to plan, albeit that I don't know exactly when I can expect the contracts to be exchanged, yet - but the knowledge that wherever I end up living, 'society' will still hate me, generically if not specifically. My feelings have been exacerbated by thinking about Cammy, my 'little friend' from my old local Wetherspoons (I might just well say where it was, I guess, now it doesn't exist anymore, and that fact that K and I don't live anywhere near the place now - it was The Man In The Moon in Stanmore, although we didn't live in Stanmore, it was far too expensive, but it was the nearest Wetherspoons to our former flat). 99%, or more, of people would doubtless assume that I would only have been interested in the boy by way of stuffing my penis in his mouth, or his anus, but as far as I'm concerned, that was never my intention - I wanted to be his friend, and for him to be my friend, too, and I'm convinced it could have happened, without the spectre of sexual abuse ever having been present. As I say, almost no-one would have believed me - even Cammy himself, once he was old enough to be poisoned by the world's hatred for boylovers - but I'm sticking to my assertion. It doesn't change anything, of course - I'm still desolate, not even remotely close to having the sort of relationship I would choose. How am I? Feeling like the pub, or its merchandise, more realistically, is my only friend. And I'll be there this afternoon, almost certainly.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Beyond awesome

24 hours ago, more or less exactly, I was lucky enough to be at Bournemouth Pavilion to experience what was arguably the best gig I've ever seen. King Crimson, right by the stage, and I got to share with it K, too. Starless! Red!! The whole set, really. If that proves my last ever live concert, and it might be, I'll be leaving on a massive high. Simply unbelievably stunning.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 22 October 2018

52 weeks

It's the anniversary of my last day, the last five hours, in fact, of being able to speak and write normally - it's exactly 52 weeks since I had my stroke. Not much to celebrate about, realistically, but it has been a useful day - I'm in my prospective 'new hometown', visiting the estate agents and, more particularly, the solicitors. They're satisfied with the paperwork I've provided, so the next step should be progressing imminently - once I've paid a pile of cash, which they will have in their account by tomorrow, unless anything unforeseen happens. Death, taxes and lawyers, as I said last time!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Thursday, 18 October 2018

Progressing, nervously

Things are happening as far as the flat goes - I've had a formal letter from the estate agents confirming the acceptance for my offer from the vendors, and I've now got a solicitor arranged (at a price, of course - there are no certainties beyond death, taxes and grasping lawyers, it seems!), so everything appears to be going smoothly so far. Because of my almost pathological pessimism, though, I'm expecting some disaster looming, almost by the hour, given the way my life has lurched from crisis to crisis (many self-inflicted, I'll admit) over so many years. I'm not prepared to breathe easily until the keys of the place are in my hands - and even then, I'll probably drop them down the nearest drain, or something equally deranged!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 15 October 2018

A big deal

Unless something unforeseen happens, I've bought a flat today, a good place, too, in my opinion. I very much hope that I've made the right decision, because I expect I'll live there the rest of my life. Wish me luck!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B