Thursday, 3 September 2015

In your honour

I've just amazed the bar staff in my local by ordering a drink I've never had here before, and, indeed, haven't had anywhere for, probably, twenty years. Jay was a bourbon man, but I don't like whisky, at all. The nearest I can manage is Southern Comfort, and that's what I'm drinking now. Here's to you, my friend.

1930 edit: And I've got my smile from 'little friend', too. Life is shit, but there is still an occasional bright spot.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Which universe do we live in?

I began watching a programme about cosmology by that name last night, an episode of the BBC's long running Horizon science series, probably, overall, my favourite TV programme over the years. I didn't, in the event, get to see much it, because my ex rang me, and we ended up having a fairly lengthy chat, about our respective situations, and their financial backgrounds, and how both relate to K and her immediate future as she embarks on her last year at school and, hopefully, her subsequent move on to university in twelve months time. By that time, I'd already arranged with work to take today off, in the aftermath of yesterday's terrible news - my initial reason for not wanting to go in was that I was shocked and upset, but, as the evening progressed, my feelings turned more to anger and resentment, focused on a so-called 'society' that can hound a fundamentally good man to kill himself because of attitudes towards an innate difference, and I realised that there was another good reason for my staying away from work today. If anyone had come out with the daily, and it is virtually daily, dose of mindless homophobia in my hearing, I would've been extremely likely to have punched them in the mouth, not something that would do much for my career prospects, and, like it or not, I can't afford to lose my job, as I've said before, for K's sake. The possibility of a flashpoint will still be there when I do go back to work, but as I'm not in again until Tuesday night, the immediate rawness of the situation will, hopefully, have diminished somewhat. So, which universe do we live in? Not one I would choose, if there was a parallel with more compassion, more intelligence, more tolerance to move to, that's a certainty.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Gone

People come, and people go, that is an inevitable part of life. But when a very good friend goes, far too soon, by his own hand, it's really hard to take. R.I,P., Jay, I'm going to miss you. So much.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

'Little friend' back on side

Smiles, two of them, after the (doubtless only in my head) 'snub' of the other night. He's a complete little darling, who, of course, owes me absolutely nothing. I'd just love it if he could be a real friend, nothing more, but it will, in any foreseeable circumstances, never happen. The smiles invariably make me feel so much better, though.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 31 August 2015

Decoherence

I spent an hour after work decidedly undecided about what I was going to do with myself on a thoroughly wet and miserable Bank Holiday afternoon - K is back from her trip to visit her mother, but went out again almost immediately to meet up with a friend, and won't be back at the flat until sometime this evening. So there were a number of possibilities open to me, from which I was abjectly failing to choose. Until a beautiful boy intervened, and collapsed the superposition. It was simply a case of getting off of the tube at one station rather than another, so I could walk to the exit in the wake of the Adonis and his father, mere seconds in his aura before we turned in diametrically opposite directions. Which led to me ending up here, in my 'second-string' Wetherspoons', where I'll stay for a little while before going off to get some groceries on the way home.
Utterly trifling, in all honesty, in comparison to the horribly difficult position a very good friend finds himself in. Would that I could do anything to help.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Saturday, 29 August 2015

Another turn....

....of the torturer's ratchet. On the tube this afternoon, en route from work to my local, a boy, 13-ish. So what was different from the dozens of others I see on my travels? Just the fact that this boy was a 60%/70% lookalike of my cousin as he was at the same age. Same build, height and weight-wise, same colour hair, reddish-blond, similar lightly freckled face. My darling boy, my best friend for thirty-odd years, the greatest love of my life, bar none. Who now hates my guts, after that nightmarish weekend almost two years ago. My fault it all went to shit, but that doesn't make the hurt any easier to bear.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Thursday, 27 August 2015

I've witnessed child molestation....

....this very afternoon, if this is to be taken seriously. An oldish guy, pensionable age and then some, who I've seen a few times in my local, and who was perhaps not quite as sober as he might have been, was rather loudly stating to his companions that he'd known he was gay since he was 12 (you and me both, I couldn't help thinking), and that he was quite happy in that knowledge. Standing next to my table, two away from Mr Gay Pensioner, was a girl of around 8 or 9, listening with obvious interest to his declaration. I couldn't possibly say whether she was pro or anti, but she was indisputably interested. The girl then went off, apparently unperturbed, to find her grandfather, who was talking to someone at another table.The disconnection between the Christian right and real life could hardly be more patent.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B