Monday, 3 August 2015

The boys in my life

A misleading title, I guess, because none of them are in my life, in any direct way, but there are three boys who have caught my attention in a major way over the past few months. I've written about them individually, so this is a rehash, but, hey, it's my blog, and this is what I want to talk about.
'Little friend' - he's the youngest, maybe 8, and I've seen him regularly, with his family, in my local over the past three months, or thereabouts. He isn't, with apologies to him, especially cute, albeit he's far from being ugly, and he isn't, even to me, sexually attractive, or, indeed a sexual being at all in my eyes, he's simply too young even for an unreconstructed boylover like me to think of in that way. That said, he's the one, of the three, who actually makes me happy, albeit occasionally and fleetingly. How? Because, almost every time I've seen him, he's smiled at me. Just that. And I've smiled back, of course. Those moments of connection are, in the context of the person I am, inside, simply the best thing that ever happens to me. That probably sounds utterly pathetic, probably is utterly pathetic, but when the world won't countenance, even for a moment, allowing you to be yourself, it is, on present evidence, the best I can hope for.
Or is it? Dylan - he's 11, give or take, and lives (I think, I've never been able to pin the fact down definitively) in the same block of flats as me. He's absolutely all boy, full of energy and mischief. In fact, I get the impression he could actually be a bit of a brat, and a pain to be around. Except for one thing. He is, especially when he smiles, simply irresistible, just on the cusp of beginning the journey from boy to man. When I first saw him, just before my birthday, he had the biggest immediate effect on me since I first saw DBJ in 2006. Is he a sexual being yet? I've seen him once, in the communal garden downstairs, fooling around with his friends, pumping his hips in a thoroughly suggestive manner. The first stirrings of puberty, maybe? If I had the chance to find out, I'd find the temptation very hard to resist.
But then, there is another level. 'Next door but one cutie'. I saw him a few times a year or so ago, not long after I'd moved here, but then, ironically, given how close he lives, I didn't see him at all for months, basically the whole of last winter. And oh, how much he'd changed over those months. The chubby little boy of eighteen months ago replaced by a pubescent beauty. Still slightly overweight (yeah, I know, who am I to talk about being too heavy!), but totally, utterly beautiful. Maybe one of the four or five most beautiful boys I've ever seen, on a regular basis, at least. He's just finished his first year at senior school, so he'll be a teenager on his next birthday. And the hormones, in his case, are definitely beginning to flow, from things I've seen. To say that I find him desirable is the understatement of the year. I'd give up the rest of my life for an hour in his arms, without the least hesitation. But only, of course, if he wanted to. Which I can't imagine he ever would. Just like DBJ. So close, yet so far out of reach. The story of my benighted life.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Friday, 31 July 2015

Lions vs humans

There has been a lot of outrage over the case of an American dentist who shot a lion in Zimbabwe. And I have to say I agree, in principle. I think hunting animals for sport is a particularly vile thing to do, given the power imbalance in the situation - if the lion could shoot back, or the fox set a pack of half-starved dogs on the red-coated 'unspeakable', I doubt the homo sapiens involved would be as enthusiastic about the pastime. That said, though, there are people over here at the moment openly advocating that the migrants trying to get into the UK via the Channel Tunnel be shot on sight. The unfortunate lion had been anthropomorphised by being given a name. The people looking for a better life for themselves and their families are being dehumanised to the point of being seen as vermin to be wiped out. Skewed priorities, maybe?

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

23 and out

Finally, a whole day off! Two, actually, and most of a third, too, as I'm not working again until Sunday night. My cup runneth over! Well, not quite - having done ten straight early turns up to yesterday, it was no surprise at all when I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning, less than an hour later than my alarm had been set for during the run of 'stupid o'clocks'. Still, it's a nice day, and I'll be getting ready and going out into it before too long. First port of call will be the local Royal Mail delivery office, to pick up a parcel which they tried to deliver yesterday. A bit of an impulse buy, I have to admit, but I think it'll be worthwhile. I've bought a second laptop. Only a refurbished (second-hand!) one, but one with a large screen, so I can watch the various streaming sport channels I subscribe to while still using this laptop for other things at the same time - blogging, for instance!
The other thing to look forward to today is K's return from the north - she's been away visiting friends in Scotland since Tuesday. I need to get used to her not being around, though, because it's only just over a year until she'll be off to uni. To that end, I did a bit of internet house-hunting yesterday, for both of us, finding a small, but nice-looking place in 'worktown' that would do for me, and student accommodation in the uni town that's top of K's shortlist, for a combined price only around £100 a month more than we're paying now. Of course, neither is likely to be on the market twelve months hence, but at least it gives me an idea of what might be available, and at what cost.
Then tomorrow, I've got one of my few and far between 'socials' - my brother and sister-in-law are coming up to London for the day. We'll have to avoid the centre of 'town', though - much of it is shut to traffic, all weekend, for the Ride London cycling event. I'm all for cyclists having good access to the city - less cars - but I do wish the powers-that-be could find a way of doing it that was less disruptive to everyone else. The biggest problem is that so many of the Thames bridges are closed, effectively cutting London in half - I had all sorts of problems getting to work for an early turn on the equivalent Sunday last year, but this year, at least, being on nights means that I'll be travelling after the event has finished. Be thankful for small mercies, and all that!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

No-one knows what it's like


No-one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

From Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. My eyes aren't blue, but I will certainly support the main assertion of the song. If you're not a boy (or girl) lover, you can't possibly imagine what it's like to be at the centre of the maelstrom of hatred such attractions engender. Like at work yesterday, when, in the midst of yet another torrent of bigotry (mostly misogynistic, as it happened), the conversation suddenly veered off into 'paedo' this and 'kiddie-fiddler' that. I looked at the ceiling and mouthed 'fuck off, fuck off, you have no idea what you're talking about', but, of course, I couldn't speak out, given, sadly, that I still need the benighted fucking job to finance K's education, so, yet again, I was telling lies, of omission, at least. If anyone ever tells me to my face that my sexuality is a 'choice', they'd be very likely to get a smack in the mouth.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Friday, 24 July 2015

All talked out

For the moment, at least. I've long pondered and introspected about my life and its issues ad nauseam, of course, but I seem to be in a deeper rut than usual at the moment, and there really isn't anything of value to add, anything that might make the blog a more interesting, for others, or worthwhile, for me, place to inhabit. The blog certainly isn't closed - if something significant happened in an hour's time, I'd doubtless write about it - and there's another 'Cassie and Robin' story in the works at Nephelokokkygia, but unless and until something comes along to nudge me out of my inertia, I'm going to abide by the 'if you've got nothing to say, say nothing' maxim.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

As predicted

In my local, and I've just seen (and been served by) Daniel for the first time since last week's 'closing time' conversation. And to say that he looked right through me would be a considerable understatement. He's too old for me, anyway, especially when compared to the unspeakably gorgeous boy I saw when I left work at lunchtime, 11/12, tall for his age, shaggy blond hair, insanely desirable. But out of reach, always out of reach. Just like Daniel.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 20 July 2015

It's going to be a long summer

And a 'double-edged sword' one, if today is anything to go by. It's my one day off in the middle of the current run of more than three weeks of otherwise consecutive shifts (if you can call it a day off, given that I didn't finish my Sunday shift until 7:00 this morning), and, coincidentally, the first day of the school summer holidays for many (K finishes tomorrow). And notwithstanding the fact that it's been grey and intermittently drizzly, the cuties have been out in swarms! All very nice to see, from my perspective, but there's a dark side, too, epitomised by one of the very first boys I saw after leaving the flat this morning. He was on his own, and notably young to be so in this day and age, on the bus that began my meanderings. There was a little bit of eye contact, and an exchange of smiles, when we both changed buses at the same stop, although he wasn't, as it turned out, taking the same 'next bus' as me. That didn't stop the 'What if....?' demons from sticking their heads above the parapet, though - my rational self knows, 100%, that boys like him should be sacrosanct, untouchable, but given a particular permutation of temptation and opportunity....? As ever, I'm left with no more than hope that I would do the 'right thing'. Would that I could guarantee it.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B