Wednesday, 4 May 2016

People

I'm pretty much done with them. K excepted. Yet another apparent friendship seems to have been illusory - the illusion being on my part, of course. Fiction is the only place where people are reliable, as far as I can see - I've finished yet another rereading of Alexandrine in the last couple of days - and I'm very tempted to go and bury myself there, especially given the number of unfinished stories that are kicking around in Nephelokokkygia's post list. It doesn't seem that I can manage at all well in the real world, so maybe creating my own is the best shot I have of any kind of satisfaction, vicarious as it might be.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 2 May 2016

OK, so....

....it was tomorrow, after all. Because a couple of things did catch my attention. A campaigner, with a #BACKZAC (Goldsmith, the fascist Tory candidate for London mayor, spawn of a billionaire robber baron, just the sort of 'man of the people' we really need running the capital's local government) tee-shirt, proclaiming her message in the broadest American accent imaginable. Is she even likely to be eligible to vote in this week's mayoral election? I doubt it somehow. The phrase 'mind your own fucking business' sprung to mind.
A quarter of an hour earlier, though, my tenuous equilibrium had been tested to its limits, as I left 'worktown' on a bus via a thoroughly posh area, and where I was confronted by a cutie who was a close lookalike not only of a boy, but the boy, as I remember first seeing him, at 9 (the approximate age of today's little guy). DBJ, of course. It will be ten years, at the end of August, since that unforgettable first view of the most beautiful boy in the world, at least in my experience. And my memories of him still affect me as deeply as ever.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sunday, 1 May 2016

What can I say?

That I haven't said myriad times before? Nothing, as far as I can see. There may be a hiatus, or there may not, depending on how issues strike me. Ennui has set in, here, and regarding life in general. I'll probably be back, but it could be tomorrow or next year.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Saturday, 30 April 2016

Maybe the last

My 56th birthday. I get the feeling that, one way or another, I might not see another. I don't know if I even want to. My life is so full of shit, the incentive is sorely lacking. Although, having said that, it has been a pretty good day, my brother and sister-in-law came up to town, and we had lunch, and, even better, K shared most of my day, too (although she's gone out to see a friend of hers who's back at home from uni for the bank holiday weekend this evening).
Last birthday or not, it is definitely the last day of my 'spring break', so it's up at 'stupid o'clock' in the morning to go back to work. My cup runneth over.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Null

I've been out and about today, but the sense of aimlessness has been very strong. I couldn't decide where to go, how to get there, or what my final destination should be. After all sorts of vacillation, I've ended up in the 'far-flung' Wetherspoons which has settled into 'number two' position over the weeks since the demise of my old local. The day has been a microcosm of my life in general, really, completely lacking in a sense of direction, or, indeed, any point at all. All that seems to be left is a dark drip of unrequitable desire, filling up the dam of my self-control almost to breaking point. I'm on the 'right' side of the line at the moment. If I said I could guarantee staying there, though, I'd be lying.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Life, death and reincarnation

Life continues to bump along the bottom, despite my still being off work. The weather today flattered to deceive - it looked brightly summery this morning, but it was decidedly chilly when I ventured out, and went downhill from there, to the extent that it was bloody snowing at lunchtime, albeit briefly, when I was at Borough Market. It's supposed to be the end of April, FFS! It wasn't all gloom, though, because the cutie of the day was on hand, too - in contrast to the slightly androgynously beautiful boy on Saturday, today's darling, touristy, probably Scandinavian, was all boy, same sort of age, athletic looking, perfect proportion, short, straight blond hair, attractive but unmistakably masculine features. And, as ever, irresistible and inaccessible in equal measure.
And so to the pub, just for a change. Daniel had been conspicuous by his absence at the weekend, but he's working tonight, served me last time I was at the bar - and looked straight through me. Not that I've ever seriously imagined I could be with him, but I have daydreamed, I have to admit. I think it's fair to say that any last sliver of hope on that front has now died. I don't believe in life after death, and thus, self-evidently, don't believe in reincarnation, either, but if such a phenomenon did exist, I know absolutely what I'd want to come back as. A loved boy, so I could at least save one boylover from the nightmare that our orientation usually entails.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 25 April 2016

More quality time

A good few hours spent with K today, a bit of meandering punctuated by lunch at my one-time 'London local', where my girl and I last had a meal together on Christmas Day 2013. To be honest, I've only been in the place myself a handful of times since then, given that our festive dinner took place just a few weeks before I moved to the flat. An odd thought struck me as I was climbing the stairs to the first floor toilet - since I last made that short trip in person, my 'avatar' had done so in my story Unwrapped (still available over at Nephelokokkygia ;)). Life imitating art, if referring to my electronic scribblings as 'art' isn't impossibly pretentious!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B