Monday, 6 July 2015

Remembrance of nothings past

It's amazing, sometimes, how things that failed to happen, things, of course, that are as implacably immutable as those that did, can haunt you just as much, and have consequences as real, as the actualities. I hadn't thought of C for years before yesterday, but the 'broken bridge' (one of my occasional allusions for the Nabokovians out there) that brought him to mind has set off an avalanche of regret and surmise (another small literary allusion which has nothing whatever to do with V.N.). C and I did get along pretty well, he was certainly a cutie, if not a supercutie, at 14 (and still is now, in his mid-twenties, to judge by his profile picture, although maybe that's just me looking and seeing the echoes of the boy I knew), and that evening, walking back from the village pub, with the rest of his family mere feet away, he truly was desperate to get me in his bedroom (please, please, he said, yes, he really did say that). But I shit out, too scared of potential consequences. No doubt leaving him feeling horribly rejected, even if the excuse I used, of having to get up stupidly early for work the following morning, was factually accurate. And the last chance I've had to this day, maybe the last of my whole life, to be with a boy was gone. What a fucking moron I was, and am.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Off to the seaside!

But not yet! Six weeks tomorrow, to be exact. K and I, after discussing our accommodation options, have settled on, booked and had the booking confirmed for a two bedroom ground floor flat in a South Coast seaside town. It might seem a bit of an odd choice, but K is getting rather too old to want to share a hotel room with me, and booking two single rooms is an expensive hobby, given that single rooms always tend to cost more, pro rata, than a double, so getting a whole property, two bedrooms, living room, kitchen, bathroom, even a washing machine, in the unlikely event of either of us suddenly feeling domestically inclined, for around the price of a decent quality B & B double strikes me as a good deal. It'll be self-catering, of course, so the cost of food will have to be factored in, but, even so, it's still the best option in the circumstances, as far as I'm concerned. One day, probably, will be taken up with K's trip to her potential 'uni town', but the rest of the time should be free for 'outing and abouting'. Should be a good trip!
Just as an aside, a face from my past came to mind while I was writing this post. Our former next door neighbour boy from when we first moved to Cornwall, the one who might very well have been not only willing, but eager to engage with me when he was around 14, had I not been too scared to go through with it, went to the same university that K is looking at. And, unless I've seriously misconstrued something I found when I did a web search for him a few minutes ago, he's got a boyfriend/male partner. If only I could go back to that summer evening in Cornwall, and have the chance to react to his implicit invitation differently. Hindsight, as I've said more than once, is the most useless commodity known to man. *Sigh*

1645 edit: K has corrected me, so my link was a spurious one - there are two universities in the town concerned, and K is looking at the one that our former neighbour didn't go to. Doesn't change the fact that I wish I'd been braver in 2003, though. :(

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Too much weather, and a holiday (kinda, sorta....)

Our recent heatwave ended with, literally, a bang last night, in the shape of a series of thunderstorms - plenty of flashes, rumbles, and torrents of rain. It's sunny again this morning, though, so maybe summer isn't over quite yet!
And much to my surprise, given the relatively short notice of my application and our desperate shortage of staff, I've managed to get almost a week off in the middle of next month. K and I may be going away for a few days, if we can find suitable accommodation at a sensible price, possibly to the area where one of the universities she's seriously considering applying to is located. It's a coastal area, too, so it could be the best of both worlds - some practical stuff in terms of looking at potential student flats and facilities, but a bit of seaside time, too. And quality time with my girl, of course.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Heat, pills, tiredness

Today was reputedly going to be the warmest in this country for a decade - yes, the UK is in the throes of one of its very occasional 'heatwaves'. And, of course, in our inimitable fashion, people are moaning and groaning about it, just as fervently as they moan about our normal 'Great British Summer', i.e. days of grey skies and pouring rain. As far as I'm concerned, it can stay this warm until the end of September - I love it! The only downside is that, being on nights this week, I'm pretty much missing out on the benefits of the sunny days, having barely enough time between shifts and their concomitant bouts of commuting to even get enough sleep, still less anything else. Especially today, when I had a doctor's appointment on my way back from work and didn't get indoors until 10:00, despite having left work at 7:00. The appointment wasn't even something I'd initiated, simply a 'medication review' the practice wanted me to have before they'd issue me with another prescription for my heart meds. The outcome was totally predictable - my medication was left unchanged after a desultory ten minute consultation with a doctor I'd never seen before, and may well never see again. The only tangible effect was to rob me of an hour's sleep, leaving me to face heading back to work this evening even more tired than 24 hours ago. Thanks a bundle!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Monday, 29 June 2015

Getting things done

Not necessarily hugely important things, but things, nonetheless. Today has been one of my 'sort of clear' days, as I prepare to start my latest week of night shifts tonight, so I've used the ten hours or so since I got up to do two loads of washing - it's very warm and sunny here today, so drying has been easy - been out grocery shopping, and topped up my daughter's school smart card so that she can buy her lunches this week, as she returned today after her study leave. And I've finished my latest story, which may, or may not, be the first in a series, depending on my ever-inconsistent levels of motivation. Not for the first time, it's a story that I suspect won't be to many people's taste, but if that's the case, sobeit. I like it, and its main characters. So there!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Weekend mixture

Quite an eventful weekend, by my not very impressive standards. There have obviously been huge events in the news, some very good, as per my last post, some utterly dreadful, but far more eloquent commentators than me have discussed those at length, so, as is my wont, I'm going to stick to the parochial.
I went to Essex on Friday to meet up with my friend, as planned, and it all went rather well - we had plenty of catching up to do, drank some beer and some more beer, and got along fine, even if I'd had my doubts in advance whether he might have had second thoughts about accepting the 'real me' after my coming out to him the last time we met. A lesson for me, I guess - don't expect the worst all the time! There was one downside to the get-together, though - I contrived to injure myself, in a really stupid way, despite being pretty much sober at the time. We were sitting on a long wooden bench-style seat and, after a while, it was my turn to head to the bar for a round of drinks. What I didn't realise, until I tried to stand up, was that my right leg had 'gone to sleep', presumably from the pressure of the edge of the bench on my sciatic nerve, and I stumbled awkwardly, managing to strain my calf muscle rather badly. As a result, I've spent the rest of the weekend hobbling about in a fair bit of discomfort, which isn't showing any immediate sign of going away. In the great scheme of things, it's an utter irrelevance, but I promised parochial!
Yesterday saw the Pride procession in Central London. I did think of going, but I'd already decided not to before my self-inflicted wound - I had doubts, quite frankly, about my motivations, that I might have tried to take advantage of the situation to try and get what I'm not allowed to have. K went, though, with a gay friend from school, before going on to spend the night with a different friend in South London. I haven't actually seen her yet today, but from the evidence of a few texts, and a brief conversation a little earlier, it all seems to have gone pretty well. I spent yesterday meandering around North and West London, before ending up in my local, and, with the variation of going to work for an early shift this morning, haven't done anything greatly different today. The 'eye candy quotient' really hasn't been too bad, but, as ever, it's never simple. For instance, I've seen 'little friend' three nights in a row, after three weeks when I hadn't seen him at all, but he's had his back to me each time, although I did get my customary smile from him last night (and gave him a discreet 'Hi', the first time I've actually spoken to him) when he walked past my table in search of ketchup. (Just had tonight's smile, right now, as he headed for the door!!) There's another little guy in here tonight, not more than 3, pretty, bubbly, and obviously very intelligent, who's said 'Hello' to me three times on his travels, following his dad to the bar, and the like. Not, of course, the remotest sexual attraction at his age, but would I just love to play the word and number games, or simply talk to him, the way K and I did when she was that age. Never going to happen, obviously. Life, don't talk to me about life, as Marvin the Paranoid Android memorably said!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Friday, 26 June 2015

Congratulations, USA

Yeah, I'm a Brit and it's none of my business, but I'm so pleased that the Supreme Court ruled in favour of marriage equality. And almost equally pleased that the religious right have had their bigotry shoved up their collective arse!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B