Another retrospective

As you do, or some do, at this time of year. I guess, compared to its two predecessors, 2014 hasn't been so bad. After all, my life didn't disintegrate like it did in 2012, and I didn't spend months being ill and weeks in hospital like last year. I end the year having something resembling a proper home, even if I don't own the property itself or most of its contents, and, by far the best, I've got my daughter here with me. We had cuddles when I came in a while ago, and when I told her that my highest priority for 2015 was for us to stay friends, she replied by saying that would be for always, which certainly engendered a warm glow. Do I deserve her love? Probably not, given all that's happened, but I'm not going to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. K, and my relationship with her, aside, though, what else would make me happy in the New Year? Well, I guess, much what I've wanted for several years, but maybe with a twist, perhaps born of my getting older - after all, I'll be 55 in four months time, not even able to claim to be in my 'early fifties' anymore - what I want now is to be able to be close enough to a boy to have the sort of cuddles K and I had earlier, loving, affectionate, but sexless. I can't lie, if I found a boy who did want to play sexy, I wouldn't say no, but that side of things really isn't that big a deal anymore. Love is the thing that matters, the thing I want the most, by a huge margin. I can't imagine it will happen, any more than this year, last year, or the year before, but I'm still wishing, dreaming, hoping.
Well, we're pretty close to 2015, at least here in the UK, and my old year, certainly, is close to its end, given that I'll need to go to bed soon to facilitate getting up at 4:15 to go to work, so I'd like to wish all of you who are kind enough to visit and read my meanderings a happy and prosperous New Year. I hope 2015 is good to you all - and maybe even to me.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

'Good and kind'

There are times when I really feel like aiming some trenchant remarks in my ex's direction. I never do, because I know she's too fragile to cope with any such thing, but some occasions bring me closer than others. Like today, when she texted me about the amount of money she wants for the coming month, with a bit tacked on the end about me being 'a good and kind man'. Not good enough to transcend her precious 'values', though, and not kind enough to be allowed to be part of her life. If that sounds bitter and twisted, that's probably because it is. Something to do, maybe, with spending twenty-odd years of your life trying to give the person you love the best you can, only to have it all thrown back in your face in a heartbeat.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Winterish

It's been pretty damn chilly today (by the standards I'm used to, of course!), not exactly what I would've chosen to mark my return to getting up at stupid o'clock after a few weeks when early shifts have been. mostly, conspicuous by their absence for me. At least it didn't snow, unlike many other parts of the country - my ex rang to let me know K had moved on to her next port of call this morning, and described having to shift quite a bit of snow from the car before she could give my girl a lift to the station. And welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned - as I say every winter, if I never see another snowflake in my life, it will be a day too soon!

Love & best wishes
Sammy B

Solitaire

After the pre-planned 'hone alone' day yesterday, I was hoping to get out and about today, given London's availability of Boxing Day public transport. In the event, though, I've ventured no further than 24 hours ago, because I woke up this morning feeling decidedly under the weather, a bit of a flare-up of the symptoms of last weekend. I think, overall, staying in has been for the best - after staying warm, swallowing meds and intermittently snoozing, I think - or at least hope - that the worst is past, and that I'll be fit to head back to work tomorrow morning. These past couple of days have been advantageous in another way, too - I've largely come to terms, I think, with the fact that once K has gone on her way, after her education is complete, I'll be on my own permanently, and, as I get older, I'll doubtless be less inclined to venture out as much as I do now, so that becoming used, or used once more, to my own company is a useful preparation for that situation. Gradually back away from the world, in so far as I'm involved with it now, which isn't, in all honesty, greatly, before the final, inevitable withdrawal.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Home for Christmas

The first time I've been able to say that since 2011, having arrived back at the flat around an hour ago after a fairly restrained trip to my local. Home alone, as I've already said, K being away, but home nonetheless. And, unless anything unforeseen happens, I won't be leaving the building again until sometime on Boxing Day.
I've even had a little prefatory Christmas present - a boy moment. A little boy, but none the worse for that. After vacillating for a while before leaving the pub about options for my evening meal - I had, and have, stuff in the fridge and freezer, but was lacking the motivation to do anything with it - I decided I fancied a Chinese takeaway. I didn't even know if the place down the road from the pub would actually be open, but it turned out that they were, so in I went, and ordered. The only other person in the 'public area' of the shop was a little guy of 6 or 7 I'd seen there once before, the son (or possibly grandson) of one of the staff. He looked more Mediterranean than East Asian, a pretty enough little thing, but not in a sexual way, even for me. He was bouncing what we used, as kids, to call a Powerball around, a small and very lively article, rather like the boy himself, and it wasn't long at all before I found myself involved in an impromptu game of 'catch' (or 'drop', by me as much as by him!) while I was waiting for my food to be prepared. It only lasted a few minutes, of course, but it was just one of those things that happens occasionally which can nudge me into half-believing that not everything in my life is darkness.
And, on that reasonably positive note, and given that, in this time zone at least, we're only a little over two hours away from the 'big day', I'd like to wish all my readers a very happy and peaceful festive season. Enjoy, guys!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

And then there was one

K went off to the Midlands this morning, and will be away, in all probability, until after New Year - she's staying with her mum until the 27th, then going on to one, or maybe two friends' places in the same general part of the world. So, for the second time in three years, it's just me for the festive season, albeit partly by choice - I was invited to my brother's, but it wasn't really practicable, given that I'm on earlies on Saturday, and there are no trains on Boxing Day. I did most of my grocery shopping for the week this morning, and I've treated myself to a couple of nice things to live up to the usual seasonal indulgence, a nice bottle of fizzy stuff for Christmas Day, and some posh ice cream, to be specific. This is, of course, all assuming that my health holds up - I still feel like I'm teetering on the brink of not being well at all, the meds I'm swallowing just about seeming to keep it under control at the moment. Whether that will be the same after the two night shifts I have to do before my Christmas break remains to be seen.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

F'lup

I'm still not sure quite how, but I not only managed to cook our festive dinner, but to eat it as well, despite it being on the large side. K enjoyed it, which is the main thing. I saw a post earlier about a light-hearted secular seasonal card, with the logo 'Axial tilt is the reason for the season', which I rather liked. As it's the shortest day (for us Northern Hemisphere types), I'll just say - Happy Solstice!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Cat mode

I've been asleep for something like 14 of the past 24 hours. Not because I've suddenly discovered my inner cat, though, but because I really haven't been well at all. I thought, this time yesterday, I was on the way to coming down with something really nasty - I had a headache, shivers, aches and pains, and a sore throat - but, after at least double the amount of sleep I would normally expect, and plying myself with assorted medication, I do finally feel somewhat better. I haven't been out today, though, but, at least, I should be able to cook the planned 'alternative Christmas' dinner for K and I in a while, before my girl heads off to her mum's tomorrow. I just hope the symptoms don't flare up again - even though I'm having a quiet, 'Christmas-free' festive season, I have no ambition to feel ill while I'm doing it.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

You can tell it's nearly Christmas....

....when your local is noisily full - of people you've never seen before, and probably won't see again until this time next year! I can remember my dad grousing, on occasions, about 'once a year drinkers', and here I am, doing the same! Never mind, it's going to be my and K's 'alternative Christmas' this weekend - she's off on Monday to spend the festive season with her mum - so I guess I should stop being so 'Bah, humbug!' and get into the spirit of things.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Education

The one thing theocrats hate above all else, because they know, ultimately, that their influence can only hold sway if their congregations are prevented from assessing the merits of their nonsense in the light of knowledge and reason. Hence the appalling events in Pakistan yesterday. Eventually, and I'm convinced of this, humanity will grow up enough to reject the prehistoric superstitions that hold so many in thrall at present. I just hope that no more innocents have to be slaughtered in the interim, although I know in my heart that my hope is in vain.
Incidentally, this is post number 1500 in this blog. I wish it could've involved a less traumatic subject. Thank you all for your continued support.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Fatalistic

Another day, another news bulletin, another panicked descent into a slough of despond. The more I hear and see, the more convinced I am that I'll die in prison, or some kind of 'concentration camp', or do the deed myself to evade that consequence. I could talk at length about the hatred of the world at large, but, when it comes down to it, no-one could ever hate me more than I hate myself.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Pity life didn't imitate art

The Mail on Sunday had a frothing dose of 'outrage' on its front page this weekend, around the BBC's decision to broadcast a reading of a short story about the fictional assassination of Margaret Thatcher. As far as I'm concerned, no public figure in this country, in my lifetime, has been so richly deserving of being assassinated than that vile petit bourgoeise harridan who destroyed so many lives, including my dad's, with her 'greed is good', 'no such thing as society' policies. One of the quotes that might have made me laugh at its hyperbole, had it not been for its source, was the one which described the story as 'a sick book from a sick mind'. Who was the quote from? Norman Tebbit, one of the most deeply unpleasant people ever to have served in any UK government, in my opinion, almost more doctrinaire in his Thatcherism than Thatcher herself. 'A sick mind'? Physician, heal thyself. The woman was dreadful almost beyond words when she was alive, to have her become the subject of a posthumous 'personality cult' is positively stomach-turning.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

The one?

On a bus, not very close to here, at lunchtime. Dressed as though having been (or going) to school. Not of legal age, but not too far off. 14, most likely. I looked, the look was returned. Then, a few stops later, it was time for me to get off. There were traffic lights just ahead of the stop, so the bus didn't move off immediately, because of the queue. I glanced up, towards the top deck. He was looking down at me. I looked away, looked back, and he was still looking. No sign of fright, of freaking out, of distaste. What was there? Curiosity? Interest? Then the lights changed, the bus went on its way, and the moment was gone. The answer to any question was almost certainly 'no', why would a reasonably cute guy of his age show the least interest in a fat middle aged bloke? But what about the 1%, that remote chance that, after all these years, he might have been the one? If he was, and I've missed my chance, all I would want to do is to tear my own throat out, and messily, slowly, bleed to death.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Dream or nightmare?

I'm in my local, and a family who have just left after having a meal have left me pondering the question above. A family consisting of the requisite parents, and three cute boys. Could I have coped as 'patriarch' of such a family? Somehow, I very much doubt it.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Yet more Christian love and compassion

He'll probably be taking the credit for poor little Ronin's suicide. Fucking scumbag.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

What I don't need....

....when I'm already not exactly feeling at one with the world, for various reasons, is a bunch of 'media luvvy' types (there are some well known film and TV studios not too far from here, which figure in K's career plans) ya-yaing about Cornwall. Not 'my' bit of Cornwall, but close enough to rub salt into the wounds. Here's what you could've won - or did win, and then lost again. They've gone now, so I'll drink some more beer. But it won't dull the sense of loss, needless to say.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sacrificed

Another young life sacrificed to the herd, to the bigotry learned from the cradle in societies dominated by organised religion and their prehistoric 'values'. Another fucking heartbreak. R.I.P., Ronin.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

The corner

The one I've painted myself into, that is, seems to be getting smaller by the day. K and I came as close to an argument, before I went to work last night, as we have since she moved in. I was more to blame than her, because I reacted, not so much to what she did, but to how it reminded me of other things, past and present. It reminded me both of how isolated I am, in literal and sociological terms, and also of how her mother and I related, or more accurately, failed to relate to each other during the latter part of our marriage. K and I did, I think, mend fences before I had to leave, but it's left me with a sense of having to walk on eggshells as regards what subjects, or aspects of subjects, I can talk to my daughter about. And not wanting to lose her as well as everything else that's gone, that is inevitably going to lead to a 'blanding-down' of our interactions, an aversion to talking about anything that might be in any way controversial. Just like this blog, really. There's going to be a lot more having to be held inside. Whether that is, ultimately, a good thing is doubtful, to say the least.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Withdrawal

I start nights tonight, and managed to get back to sleep for a while after K had left for school, but it wasn't a comfortable experience, in a psychological sense. I had a dream, almost a nightmare, about everything in my life breaking down, leaving my dream avatar almost at the point of mental breakdown. Then I woke, for the second time, to hear two radio news stories which have left me even more unsettled, fearful of what this society wants for people like me. Repression, and revenge, as far as I can see. So, given that a large part of the raison d'être for this blog has been to discuss my life and experiences as a boylover in today's world, a discussion the world simply doesn't want to have, there may well be a considerable diminution of my blogging activity. I don't feel safe even talking about the issue anymore, despite my remaining pseudonymous, and, in that connection, my 'Invitation to a discussion' page has also been removed. The blog will remain here, at least for the moment, as will Nephelokokkygia, but if conditions become much more negative, I may have to review that position. There probably will be new posts, but I suspect that blandness and mundanity will be the watchwords. I'm sorry to have to do this, but I have K to think of, as well as myself, for at least the next couple of years, and I feel it's simply too much of a risk to draw attention to myself in this subject area any longer.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B