Heart melting

Catching the bus outside the flat last night, the first stage of my latest trek to work, I was, within seconds of getting onto the vehicle, completely bowled over. And it wasn't desire, lust, like the encounter with the boy at Brent Cross a few weeks back. This was a case of being smitten by the sheer beauty of an individual, almost like love at first sight. He was 12, maybe 13, dark, almost black hair, blue eyes, flawless complexion, just a sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of his nose, all boy, but not 'little boy', just on that utterly perfect, from my perspective, cusp of boyhood and adolescence. Quite simply, the most beautiful boy I've seen in a very long time. A beauty almost beyond sexuality, and there certainly wasn't a conscious sexual component amongst the chaotic swirl of stuff in my head in the few minutes I was lucky enough to be close to him, almost, but not quite, close enough to have reached out and touched. He'll be another 'ghost', of course, I haven't the slightest expectation that I'll ever see him again, even though I could happily spend hours just looking at him. Exquisite, and exquisitely painful, all at once. And heart melting.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Conspicuous consumption

On hearing a commuter on my train to work last night using his mobile phone to loudly book an appointment for a 'hot stone massage', whatever that is, for his partner, I couldn't help but think of Peter Sinfield's more than 40 year old lyrics - Nothing he's got he really needs, 21st Century Schizoid Man. That, and hearing the story this morning of a former shift manager at my workplace, who'd taken early retirement before my time there, putting his fairly modest former family home in the relatively upmarket area of London where I work on the market for £800000, and being told by the estate agency that he'd find a cash buyer within a week. Recession, what recession? I have to admit that I compared my situation to people who have that kind of money rather bitterly - after working my arse off for 35 years, I could, when I moved to the flat a couple of months ago, fit literally everything I owned into the boot of my brother's car. With room to spare. Yeah, I am where I am partly, or maybe even principally, because of the succession of terrible decisions I've made in my life, but the contrast between even someone like me, who isn't poor, by any stretch of the imagination, and some of the 'high rollers' in this town is almost surreal.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Breaking the Cornish connection

My ex rang me yesterday evening as I was on my way into work with some news that was unexpected, without being a surprise, if that makes sense. It seems that she's decided, once K moves to live here with me, that she's moving back to her home town in the Midlands. After it became clear that K wanted to move to London to do her A-Levels, the fact of my ex moving back 'home' was discussed, especially as she'd intimated a number of times over the years we were married that it was something that she'd want to do, but, at that stage, she maintained she wanted to stay in Cornwall, that her life and her friends were there, but now it's come. more or less, to 'the crunch', to K's imminent move, she's evidently changed her mind. As I said to her last night, it's right and fair that she should do whatever is best for her, but I couldn't help feeling a little pang of regret at what will be, at least for the foreseeable future, the impending break of the last link with the Duchy, the place that I still call home, in the 'home is where the heart is' sense. Will I ever find my way back there? I really don't know - there are too many unknowns in the equation at the moment, K's education, and where it will go, if anywhere, post-18, what my finances will look like at that point, what state my health will be in, even whether there might be anyone else in my life (not a likely scenario, for reasons that I've discussed almost ad nauseum here). There is an adage that you should 'never go back', back to an earlier phase/location from your life, presumably on the basis that it could never be the same as you remembered it, but, in an ideal world, I guess that my ending up back in Cornwall, retiring there, if you like, would be something I'd find congenial. Time, as ever, will tell.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sunday in the suburbs

No impromptu visit from K after all - she found a through train option from her Ultima Thule destination of yesterday, nearly eleven hours worth, to get her back to Plymouth tonight. At least, with tomorrow being a Bank Holiday, she's got a day to recuperate before she has to go back to school on Tuesday. As a result, I've been left to my own devices today, and I've spent most of the time meandering around London's mid to outer suburbs. Nothing out of the ordinary, just watching the world go by, being treated to a little eye candy, and imbibing a beer or three. All in all, a calm way to end my weekend off, and to leave me fortified to approach yet another week of nights starting tomorrow. What an exciting life I lead!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

The wanderlust gene. And rationing

The gene, that is, that my daughter appears to have inherited from me. Not much more than 24 hours ago, impromptu, seemingly, of very little, she decided to spend her weekend visiting an online friend. In Scotland. Not just in Scotland, though, but in Northern Scotland. 590 miles from where she boarded the overnight train from Plymouth last night, according to the website I've just consulted. Madness! And it's possible that she might go back home tomorrow, although there is also the possibility that she'll spend the night at the flat to break the journey - which wouldn't upset me in the slightest, of course. It's definitely the sort of thing I would've done at her age, had I had the travel concessions that she has - indeed, it's the sort of thing I have done, albeit not so much recently. She's not her father's daughter for nothing!
Daniel was working this evening, but it was a mixed blessing - the first time I saw him, he smiled again, quite mischievously, it seemed, but the next time he passed my table, he looked right through me. The truth of the matter is, of course, that the chances of his being interested in me are somewhere between infinitesimal and zero, and that anything else is purely in my imagination. The old reality check coming to slap me in the face, and quite rightly. A ration of smiles is the best I can hope for.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

A story that deserves to be heard

I've just added another blog to my Bloglist. It's a blog I've been following privately since its inception, almost a year and a half ago, after I was kindly invited by the blog owner, but I haven't followed publicly until now, for reasons that are personal to myself, and probably rather stupid. Having read the most recent entry in the blog this morning, though, I've come to the conclusion that the story that's being told there deserves the widest audience it can get, both in terms of the quality of the writing and the subject matter, and if my linking to it can help to facilitate that, even in the smallest way, then that is the right thing to do. So please go to 45th Parallel, and read David's story. And while you're there, go back to the beginning of the blog, and experience some awesome music, too.

I really hope you don't mind the plug, David. ((Hugs))

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

An assortment of stuff

The flat was an internet-free zone last night - a network issue with my mobile broadband - so some of this is yesterday's news, but here goes, anyway. For some time, K has been angling for me to 'help her' pay for a trip this summer - i.e., I pay for it, because she hasn't got any money! I've been stalling her for a while, waiting to see how the financial outgoings for the flat would pan out, but after a substantially lower than expected water bill, I reckon I can come up with the requisite funds. So, as long as the accommodation arrangements come together - there's an online friend (definitely bona fide) involved - my girl and one of her YouTuber friends will be heading to the US of A, Denver to be exact, in July. To be fair to K, the fact that she hasn't got the money to pay at least part of her way herself isn't entirely her fault - she and a schoolfriend had planned to go to New York as a sort of post-exams present to themselves, and K had been saving for eighteen months, getting a fair amount of money together, but then the friend dropped out around Christmas, because she hadn't saved any money at all, her parents refusing to bail her out. K then rather frittered away her savings, before the new plans began to be aired a couple of months back. The 'state of the nation' is such that I'm not taking too much of a risk in promising K the money, although it will put a bit of a dent in our 'strategic reserve'. There's overtime available at work, though, if I want to do it (which, to be honest, I don't very much), especially as we head into the 'holiday season', so I can make good the depredations, all being well.
And then there's Daniel. There was Ben, the cute barman at 'domicile-ville' Wetherspoons, and now there's another cutie at my new local. I would guess that he's not quite 18, because doesn't seem to be able to serve at the bar, his duties consisting of waiting on tables and washing-up instead, from what I can see, but I'm 99.9% certain he's legal. And he's smiled at me more than once over the few times I've seen him. It's probably just a 'professional' smile, keeping the punters happy, and all that, but I can daydream, can't I?!
Some daydreams are darker than others, though, and serve to remind me that I need to keep myself isolated from temptation - the boy at the local bus station this afternoon was certainly cute, but he was only barely pubescent, and I can't envisage any scenario where being involved with someone like him wouldn't end in disaster, for all concerned. Staying away is the way I can see of guaranteeing that I'll continue to be 'good'. I wish it was otherwise, because I genuinely like boys, and enjoy their company, as well as being sexually attracted to them, but the potential consequences of the latter mean that for everyone to stay safe, I have to sacrifice the former. A ragged hole in my life, but one I just have to come to terms with.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B