A word that's come to my mind a number of times in recent weeks, as everything I've built the foundations of my life on seems to have disintegrated around me. But what does the word mean, really? In my case, evidently not the dictionary definition, because here I still am, living proof that my situation isn't, after all, intolerable, at least at the moment. Not that there aren't more severe challenges looming in the immediate future, both divorce and bankruptcy are nearly inevitable now, so maybe my threshold of toleration will be breached yet. But I haven't reached that point as things stand, despite virtually my whole life being spent either at work or in this 15 by 8 room, or travelling between the two. Could I tolerate this lifestyle for years? Not seeing or speaking to anyone, apart from my work colleagues, day in, day out? Never feeling a loving touch? Living with the haunting knowledge of all the mistakes I've made in my life that have brought me to this point? Embracing the 'never', the lack of any chance of ever really being myself? 'Men are infinitely malleable', Orwell wrote in Nineteen Eighty-Four. Is my level of malleability sufficient to tolerate what I would previously have thought intolerable? Yet more questions, still no solutions.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I believe in that statement from Orwell. I lived a lot of what you're going through a few years ago, but finally clawed my way back to the land of the living, so it can be done.
ReplyDeleteI reiterate that professional help can be a godsend.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteI know I'm not alone in facing, or having faced, difficult circumstances. This particular permutation is new to me, though, and I'm still learning about what I can and can't deal with. To drop another quotation, this time from song lyrics, 'If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor' (Sit Down, James).
As far as the prospect of professional help goes, I'm in much the same mindset as before - I can't envisage spending money I haven't, in all honesty, got, simply to be told I'm a worthless paedo. I know that already.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi Sammy;
ReplyDeleteI have no words of advice. All I have is a hug. I'll send that so you know I care and you are not alone.
randy
Hello Randy
DeleteYour concern is much appreciated. I don't really have any answers myself, so there's no expectation that anyone else can magic them out of thin air for me. Something will come out of all of this, I just don't know what as yet.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B