I didn't have a good day yesterday. It would have been, had things gone differently, my 22nd wedding anniversary, and, travelling to work last night, I couldn't help but reflect on the difference between the happiness of my wedding day in 1993, and the situation I find myself in now. That difference is my fault, of course, and in many ways comes back to the dichotomy encapsulated in that earlier, happy day, the fact that I married not because of who I was, but despite that identity. I did, genuinely, love my ex, and I'd convinced myself that marrying her was the right thing to do, for both of us, that she was the one to 'save me from myself'. The seeds of destruction were already there, though, even on that day - there was someone else there who had caught the eye of 'the real me', my sister-in-law's nephew on her husband's side, a pretty, blond thing of 11 or 12. Then, of course, there was the gorgeous Scandinavian boy (the one who, many years later, became the 'template' for Xander, amongst other things) I've written about before, poolside during our honeymoon. You can fool most people, most of the time, if you're careful enough, but the one person you can never fool is yourself. Which leads into another reason for my current unhappiness with life in general, and myself in particular. One thing I've tried to convince myself of over the years is that I don't want to have penetrative sex with a boy. Lips, tongue, touches, but not that 'ultimate' act. And, of course, I've had to admit to myself, finally, that my conviction simply isn't true. I do want it. Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm going to rush off and force myself on a boy at the earliest opportunity, I'd like to ask for at least a moment of rational consideration - just because I want something doesn't mean that I'm actually going to do it, any more than the 'average red-blooded male' would force himself on a woman he found attractive. But when such an admission, even an internalised admission, is thrust upon you, it certainly doesn't do anything for self-esteem.
Love & best wishes to all