Torment

A good while back, a good friend of mine described me as 'a tortured soul' because of my sexuality. I good-naturedly disagreed with his premise at the time, but, if I'm being completely honest, there are occasions when his assessment isn't that far from the truth. And much of today has been one of those occasions. And, as is almost always the case, the torture has come from within. However much I try to convince myself that I would never do this, that, or the other, my subconscious simply belies those assertions and, to paraphrase the Nickelback song, 'reminds me of who I really am'. I would love so much for Cameron to be a real friend, not just 'little friend'. But then, almost involuntarily, I find myself having sexual fantasies about him. I'm well aware of the difference between fantasy and reality, but the fact that my imagination so easily crosses a line that I claim would be inviolable in real life fills me, once more, with oceans of self-loathing. And underlines that I have to stay away from Cameron. And any other boy. It rips me up inside, but I simply can't trust myself to do the right thing.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B