Headfuck

One definition of which, as I found in a slang dictionary last night, is 'someone or something....causing mental instability'. Sums up perfectly the way I reacted, and the way I ended up feeling in response to events in my local yesterday evening. I was already pretty messed up after the R lookalike boy had been and gone, memories of my long-lost (completely one-sided, although he was my friend, until the day he most definitively wasn't anymore) love churning around in my head. And then Cammy arrived, with his parents. I hadn't seen him, at all, for at least a month, and hadn't had any actual 'connection' with him since the day he waved across the pub at me, at the beginning of October. I started to write about what transpired last night in some detail, but I've decided that I can't post it. Suffice it to say, though, that I became insanely, and I use the word advisedly, jealous of the boy's interaction with another, non-family, adult male. I didn't actually do anything, but it was a close-run thing. Just as well my self-control held together, however tenuously, because I'm sure, at the very least, I would've been barred from the pub, if not arrested, if I'd acted on what was in my head. Cammy did wave to me on his way out, which made me feel marginally better, but it was well over an hour later, and after I'd talked through the evening's events with K once I'd got home, that I calmed down properly. Twelve hours or so on, writing this down makes me feel more than a little ridiculous - how can anyone of my age and supposed maturity be so screwed up by his feelings for a boy, and one I'm not even sexually attracted to, because he's simply too young? Ridiculous or not, though, the feelings the scenario induced were all too real, as, of course, any actions they'd betrayed me to would have been. Another step closer to the edge.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B