Any light, but it's stubbornly absent.
When I restarted the blog a few weeks back, I was determined to try and avoid posts awash with self-pity, but I really haven't been very successful in that aim. And days like today has been don't help at all. It
was all triggered, unsurprisingly, by another conversation with my wife - she rang me, for once - that rapidly descended into torturous realms. She hung up on me in the end, and I had no appetite to ring her back. It really left me feeling that there was little further to fall, and took me as close to the edge of the precipice as I've been in this whole process. In fact, even now, fourteen hours or so later, I'm still slightly surprised that I got through it and that I'm still here to write about it. The last straw I had to cling to, perhaps, was that of routine - I was on a late shift today, so I had the relatively mechanical process of getting ready for work in the following hour or so, and once I was actually there, I was busy enough to not think too much about anything else. Even by my own taciturn standards, though, I was noticeably uncommunicative in any but strictly job-related terms, to the extent that one of my colleagues made a comment about it. I just agreed with him - it was the easiest way, really, and he didn't feel the urge to follow up by asking me why I was so quiet, I'm pleased to say.
I've recovered a little from this morning's lows, but I really don't need too many more blows just now. A succession of days like today might just be more than I can cope with.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
If I may make a suggestion (which I am typically loathe to do)...perhaps you could limit the conversations to the objective needs in the business of "breaking up"...and if she devolves as she did this morning, simply say to her "honey I can't go there, so I am hanging up until we can carry on a civil conversation." I dunno, maybe that's just stupid. I just don't need you disassembling, remember, there is a loving daughter in here, too!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteYour advice is eminently sensible, but whether it's achievable is more doubtful - in situations like yesterday, I'm getting overwhelmed, sometimes, by the sense of loss, no matter how civilly the conversation begins, or progresses. Add in the financial mess, and its fallout, and it all seems totally insurmountable. My daughter seems to be coping well enough with me being out of her everyday life - no-one's indispensable, after all - but I am well aware of the need to take her into account. Maybe time will heal, and all that, but how that's going to play out is far from obvious to me at the moment.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B