A low zenith

Yes, I know the title is a contradiction in terms, but sometimes words, even contradictory ones, can spark a train of thought. I finished my latest reading of Alexandrine last night, making it something like a dozen times that I've read my story, not counting the various editorial readings I undertook (and despite which I'm still finding new typos, which I'm yet to correct, with every reading), since it was published nine months or so ago. I would hesitate to say that I'll never write anything better, because who knows how or when the muse will come a'knocking, but I doubt I'll write anything that is more 'me', more of what I would wish for myself IRL. A perfect, loving relationship with a beautiful, intelligent boy who grows into a handsome, accomplished young man while the friendship, even love, remained would be the ultimate 'dream come true' for me. I had glimpses of it in my relationship with my cousin, albeit that, ultimately, there was too much of a gap between what we wanted, what was feasible, for it ever to have come to fruition, which, eventually, led to the disintegration last autumn.
But, hence, the 'low' of the title. I haven't been a happy bunny (nothing unusual there, as many would no doubt say) in recent days, and today hasn't been much better. Two or three hours ago, I felt very much like going somewhere and getting pissed out of my head, but, as I said to K when I spoke to her after getting back to 'domicile-ville', that wouldn't have been a particularly grown-up way of dealing with my troubles. I have still ended up in the pub, but I have no intention now of drinking myself into oblivion. Doubtless, this trough will pass, as have its predecessors, but, unless and until I find a solution to the conundrum that is my life, more will ensue. As I've said on numerous occasions, that solution has to come from within. It sounds so easy, put in a short sentence. Would that it were.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B