It was my 17th wedding anniversary yesterday, and we had a nice day, albeit a very lazy one. We were going to go out for a meal last night, but in the event decided that even that was too much effort, so I cooked at home instead - pan fried tuna steaks with scallops, very nice, if I say so myself - all in all trying my best to be the proverbial ideal husband. I had the feeling, though, that in being that person that I was flirting with hypocrisy, because although I love my wife and I've no interest in any other woman, I know that 'Sammy', who's infatuated with a 13 year old boy, even if it's wildly unlikely I would actually do anything about it, is there all the time, buried just beneath the surface of my public persona. I'll probably see the boy this coming week, as well, given that I'll be back at work on Wednesday and it's school half term holiday week, and, even though I doubtless shouldn't, I'm looking forward to the prospect, having not seen him for the last couple of months.
Mark - Thank you very much for your magnanimity in the face of my ingratitude.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Your cooked at home meal sounds great. I had to look up the word 'chimera', it was not in my vocabulary. I wish you would quit feeling so guilty. You can appreciate the youth and beauty of the young person and still feel confident you won't do anything inappropriate. You don't have to pretend he is not there. As far as I am concerned, it is no different than looking upon a beautiful scene in nature. Enjoy it and quit worrying about it. A person is allowed to have more than one interest in life. I think it is normal and natural.
ReplyDeleteHello Brian
ReplyDeleteI used the word 'chimera' in a figurative extension of its biological context, an organism that's a mixture of cells from more than one source, rather than comparing myself to a ravening mythological beast. If I'm feeling guilty, it's in having to be less than 100% honest with my wife, hiding, as I have for most of my adult life, because I know how much most of the world, including my wife, reviles what I desire. I know that societal opprobrium isn't going to go away, and it frustrates me, some days more than others, this blog being, to some extent, a safety valve to let the frustration go rather than having it build up to a point where I might harm someone, whether that be me or, more importantly, an innocent third party. I would like to subscribe to your 'normal and natural' window shopping philosophy, but the degree of paranoia on this subject in today's world, and I'm probably as guilty of it as anyone, albeit from the 'wrong' side of the fence, makes even looking a dangerous game.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteApologies for not responding to this earlier - there's been somewhat more going on this weekend than I had expected, both in real life and in one or two other parts of blog-land.
Thanks for your kind words.
I understand your sense of dishonesty and guilt; I think most gay and bi people feel it before they come out - I certainly did. I have also to agree with your assessment of the dangers of you coming out, much though I wish it were otherwise. I wish there were some other way you could come to be at ease with your sexuality, and retain your current life, because I think you really deserve it.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteI think I know what you're referring to in the 'blog-land' comment - a little bit of trouble in paradise, but it seems to have been resolved now, fingers crossed.
As I said in my reply to Brian, I have good and bad days, and, human nature being what it is, I probably only write about the bad days, because that's when I'm in need of support and reassurance. You've been very generous in that regard, for which I'm very grateful.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B