Two things I want to say, one easy, one not so straightforward.
First of all, the easy bit. Yesterday's interview went reasonably well, despite my contriving to arrive 5 minutes late - always give a good first impression! - after being delayed in traffic en route. I'd decided to go by car because the train connections coming back weren't brilliant, and I did indeed get home a good hour earlier last night than I would've done by train, but, needless to say, I was frustrated not to be there on time - at least I didn't have time to sit around waiting to be called into the interview room and potentially getting nervous. I answered all the questions that were aimed at me, and I think I managed to give the impression that I knew what I was talking about, doing my best to stress my experience, which is my big selling point. There are 11 candidates for two vacancies, one of whom has had to have his interview rescheduled to next week, so it will be 10 days to a fortnight before I hear the outcome. I'm fairly optimistic, but, of course, I've no idea of the standard of any of the other candidates.
After finally getting past the immediate confusion I caused myself on Wednesday, and being able to think about it reasonably rationally, it was a case of "sound and fury; signifying nothing". It is, however, embarrassing on two levels - what actually happened, and the display of a level of ignorance that would shame many a 12 year old. Before I get the chance to chicken out again, what happened was that, after spending far too much time reading sites like Nifty in the last 9 months or so, and with full foreknowledge of the levels of exaggeration implicit in that kind of fiction, I was overcome with curiosity about the effects of stimulation of the prostate gland, and used the only suitable tool I could find, the handle of an old toothbrush, to satisfy that curiosity. Anal sex, either giving or receiving, has never interested me, not from any moralistic qualms, but because of a strong personal 'yuck' reaction - whenever I've thought about it, I can't get away from the excretory associations. To my surprise, and, as I've said, confusion, I did find it enjoyable, although 'enjoyable' is the strongest adjective I'd use - it hasn't moved me to flights of hyperbole - the confusion being to do with the feeling it gave me, and I know I'm falling prey to ignorant stereotyping in saying this, that it made me feel that I might be closer to the 'gay' end of the spectrum than I would otherwise have admitted to myself. That in turn led to me thinking along the lines of deceiving my wife and being with her under false pretences, at which point I dissolved into being over-emotional and lost my capacity to think rationally about the issue. Now I have dragged myself back to somewhere closer to reality, I know there's nothing inherently 'gay', in the pejorative sense, about anal sex, and I myself am the same person I was before Wednesday morning - I'm still bisexual, with the 'split' in my attraction being where it was before, around puberty - boys and women, as it ever was. I'm really sorry if anything here has offended anyone, but I can only speak from my own perspective, and if I'm not going to be honest in this blog, I don't see the point of writing it.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Sammy,
ReplyDeleteI wish you good luck from the job interview though it seems like pretty long odds: about 18% as I make it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, however.
On the other thing: you’ve got more guts than I do talking about this. I have the same ‘yuck’ reaction that you do to that subject. I’ve never tried what you tried, I wouldn’t know where to find the target anyway. I’ve certainly never found the doctor’s digital exams to be pleasant. Like you say, I assume the written stories are highly exaggerated, aimed toward maximum stimulation.
I’m not certain of the purpose of having a blog. Apparently for a lot of bloggers it’s part of a healing process: getting ghosts and demons out in the open where hopefully they will be less frightening. I don’t think I could ever do it. It takes courage I don’t have.
Lots of blogs I encounter though are just daily diaries, chronicling what goes on in a person’s daily life. These people don’t seem to have any underlying problems, they just like to make what they do public. I’m not sure of the motivation. Some of them are very interesting to read for someone who doesn’t have an interesting life of their own. Here, the benefit mostly seems to be for the reader.
Whatever your purpose, I hope you gain benefit from writing in your blog. If it makes understanding or coming to terms with parts of your life that confuse and concern you easier, then by all means continue on with it. I hope it does you some good.
Hello Brian
ReplyDeleteI don't really claim any courage in putting my posts in front of the world, because I'm as careful as I can be to protect my anonymity. I'm sure there are some people who would recognise me if they read the blog, but, for the most part, those people don't even know I have a blog. Why do I do it? - for me, mostly, if I'm being completely honest. When I started, I had no idea whether anyone would read it, and even if no-one did, I'd still probably be here, whispering into cyberspace.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteThe interview sounds quite positive, though it's frustrating that you'll have to wait so long to hear how you've done. Best of luck!
As for Wednesday's experiment, that was pretty much what I thought it would be: it was the one thing I could think of that might occasion the reaction you had. I've tried the same experiment, a couple of times, with slightly different equipment (an ordinary household candle), and somewhat different results: no detectable prostate response (I'm not sure I even found it) but some curious sensations from the anus itself. I can't say I'm much inclined to try again.
My feeling is that there is no particular correlation between prostate sensitivity, and sexuality or sexual attraction - it's just that gay men get to try it out much more. From what's written at Nifty etc., I can only assume that there are quite a lot of men who find prostate stimulation highly pleasurable - but I think there are at least as many who don't. I'm sure I once encountered a statistic to the effect that a third of gay men don't have anal sex - unfortunately I cannot now remember what the source was, let alone have any idea as to its veracity.
For what it's worth, I'm not offended by anything you've written here (this post or others), and I very much appreciate your efforts to be honest with us - hence my own openness above, on a subject that I think I'd be pretty much tongue-tied about in person.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteWith a bit more time for reflection, I feel more than a bit foolish about Wednesday, but I suppose I can at least say I followed the advice of the old chestnut - "Try everything in life once, except incest and country dancing"!
As far as the job goes, hearing within a couple of weeks is actually quite good by the glacial standards of my company's human resources department - I'm fairly hopeful, but I'll just have to wait and see.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B