I'm at the 'difficult second album' stage with the blog, without having had a 'first album'. What do I want to achieve by committing my thoughts to the keyboard and screen, what, if anything, have I got to gain by carrying on, what, if anything, will I lose if I give up?
When I started the blog, I wanted a forum for putting my thoughts in order and a place where I could say things that the restrictions of societal expectation and my feelings of responsibility to my family and friends militate against saying in my normal life. I suppose to some extent I hoped for some feeling of catharsis by saying those 'forbidden' things, not because I feel guilty about myself so much as that I feel unable to find any other way of talking about these issues - I have people in my life who care about me, but no-one who I believe would be both willing and able to get beyond the tabloid fuelled lynch mob/thoughtcrime mentality that seems to be the only 'politically correct' reaction to anyone who is reckless enough to be honest about being attracted to someone under the arbitrary 'age of consent', whether or not they have any intention of actually doing anything about it.
Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, looking for some sympathy I don't deserve, but I've spent most of my adult life not being able to be who I really am, not able to live the life that I would choose, not do anything other than be restrained and, effectively, hide, just to get from day to day without being thrown in jail, attacked or even killed. My rational self is well aware that restraint of the immediate needs of the individual is essential to the overall health of society, but when you've spent so much of your life knowing that you haven't had what you really want, even fleetingly, the frustration can almost overwhelm you.
So, what do I want? I guess I know, but I know it is so unlikely to happen that it's not even worth considering.
Love you J, even though you'll never know.
Sorry this has been so self-indulgent.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's self-indulgent to express your frustration at your inability to have something you so much want, especially when it's had such an impact on your life. I see no reason why you should feel guilty about your desires - they are, after all, not under your control. As far as I'm concerned, the only cause for guilt in the interaction between two people is when one causes harm to the other. If you were able to find someone to your taste who willingly entered a relationship with you, I'd be quite happy with it.
Meanwhile, on a lighter note, I assume you're still awake so late because you're watching the UK general election coverage. Now the results are coming in, it's starting to get interesting...
Take care
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I wasn't doing anything remotely as worthy as following the election news. The family had gone to bed, I'd had a few glasses of wine, and while I wasn't anywhere near being drunk, I'd had enough to propel me directly to Planet Maudlin. I've got a pretty substantial cake, if I'm being honest, and stamping my foot because I can't have the icing and the cherry on top is a pretty ridiculous spectacle.
As I've said before, but I reiterate with no less sincerity, thank you for your interest, concern and kind words. I really do appreciate it.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B