Sometimes, things happen that make me feel as though I don't deserve to be here. JJ's blog reappeared overnight, temporarily at the moment, with a new post that explained some of the story that led to it being deleted. As was the case after the tragedy of Larry (Grown Up Wrong), what the boy has written has made me feel irremediably disgusting and worthless for having the desires that I do. I've consoled myself in the past with the thought that I would never force anyone to do anything they didn't want, but that's only a resolution made in the absence of immediate temptation and opportunity, so I can't guarantee that I'd abide by it in a real world situation. If I can't even convince myself that I could control my urges, why should anyone else believe me?
Self-pity is kicking in again, I feel like crying.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Desires are one thing and behavior is totally another. Just remain in complete control of your behavior at all times and there won't be a problem. What he suffered, and it was a very terrible thing, was the result of someone being totally out of control of his behavior. Just have foremost in your mind that you don't want to harm anyone. And we can see a perfect example here of how much harm can be done.
ReplyDeleteHello
ReplyDeleteI know what you're saying is true, as long as rationality is in control. The battle is to ensure that it always is in control. So far I've been lucky, I can only hope that continues.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi there, Sammy
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you feel tainted by what was done to JJ - but you are not responsible for another man's actions.
As Anonymous said, desires and actions are quite separate things. Judging by what you've written, you have not acted on your desires in over thirty years - that sounds like pretty good control to me. I also take as a very good sign the fact that you are so upset by what happened to JJ and to Larry: this says to me that you would genuinely not force yourself on someone, and that any indication from someone that you were with that what you were doing was against their will would quench your desire.
Please don't judge yourself too harshly: you can't control what you desire, but you can control how you act on that desire, and I think you've been entirely successful at that.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason why these incidents have such a deep effect on me - had it not been for dumb luck (from my perspective) I could have done something very damaging to someone I cared very much about. It was a long time ago but has had a great influence on how I've lived my life since. I've been prevaricating about writing about it since I started the blog - there's an allusion to it in my first ever post - but I think that now is the time. It will hopefully be up sometime this evening.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B