Another of my periodic bouts of darkness and self-loathing has set in since reading a blog post this morning. Not for the first time, my problem has been caused by reading an account written by someone who is now an adult of his being sexually abused as a boy. The pain, helplessness and hopelessness he felt as a child, and the psychological scars that his experiences have left on his adult self, are plain for all to see. And yet, what the adult in the abusive interaction wanted is, it seems to me, what I want, what my personality, psyche, whatever you want to call it, tells me I want, day in, day out, any time I see an attractive boy, the feeling, insisting, nagging, convincing me that I missing out on something important to my wellbeing, not something I think I 'deserve' or am 'entitled to', but just something I want so much that it's in danger of becoming an obsession. I still keep telling myself that I would never do anything without consent, would never hurt anyone, but I came so close once before, only saved from myself by the courage and common sense of an 11 year old boy, not because of anything that was inside me, I have no doubt that if he hadn't stopped me, nothing inside myself, conscience or guilt or shame, or whatever you choose to call it, would have stopped me, and then I would have been the abuser, even the rapist, who knows where it would have gone, and he would have been the damaged boy, physically and emotionally, damaged by me and my desires. I wish there was some way of cauterising this part of myself, of making it go away, but I know that's not possible, any more than I can wish my brown eyes to become blue.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy... the fact that you stopped, speaks volumes about who you really are... We are what we are, but, there are things within our control, and, the safety and well being of our children is paramount-- beyond whatever selfish desires we might have... I know that there are situations out there that men have spoken about over the years, of intergenerational relationships that were fulfilling for both parties... The thing is, tho, that the probability of the stars aligning in such a manner, where the well being of the child is preserved, must, just by the nature of things be very small... Children need love- emotional and physical support that will help them become functional and loving adults, someday... To take that love, and, take the chance of corrupting it in the mind of the child, would be a cruelty to the kid that was not looking for that type of reaction... Genuine love for a kid, is a nurturing thing that protects, at any expense, the vulnerabilities that comes when a child trusts an adult... If that translates into emotional torment for the adult, that is looking for more, it is a sad and lonely thing, but, take comfort in the fact that love is often times just that- sacrifice.... I wish you well, Sammy... luv, tman<3
ReplyDeleteHello Tony
ReplyDeleteI can't help feeling your words are kinder and more understanding than I deserve, but I thank you for those words anyway. Most of the time, I know and accept that my desires have to be curbed for the good of the individuals they may be directed towards and, probably, of society in general, but things happen occasionally that break through the facade of conformity and responsibility, and remind me of who and what I really am, or certainly what I could have been. Most of it is self-pity, I suppose, but there is, if I'm able to give myself any credit, enough altruism in my character to not want to hurt anyone, and to feel guilt about having put someone I genuinely cared about in a position where he could have been so damaged.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B