Sunday 16 September 2012

Fix me?

Back in harness today, to one of my periodic double-shift Sundays - I'm in the 'intermission' at the moment, I've had a couple of hours sleep, a shower and something to eat, and I'll be heading back to work in the next hour or so.
The last day of my break, yesterday, though, was an interesting and largely positive one. I met up with an old friend and colleague, who I hadn't seen for around three years. As I mentioned when he got back in touch with me a couple of months ago, he used to espouse some pretty strident homophobic views, so I didn't think he would really be that impressed with 'the new me'. He assured me he had changed, though, and he had been a good friend for many years through most of the nineties and into the 'noughties', so arranging to meet up with him didn't strike me as being too massive a risk. So off to Norfolk I went yesterday morning, to his adoptive home town - he was actually born in London, but moved to Norfolk as a boy, and did most of his growing up there. The original plan was for us to head out to a place way off the beaten track, with a very intermittent train service, but, in the event, we went somewhere which, while still pretty rural, was rather more accessible. It was a thoroughly nice late summer day, warm and unbrokenly sunny, and much of our day was spent sitting by a Broadlands river, in more than one beer garden, watching the world go by over the rim of beer glasses. And talking. About the changes in both of our lives, and the implications of those changes. He had, as he'd suggested, mellowed considerably, to the point, after a couple of hours, in response to his enquiring about where I was going to head next in my life, that I was able to tell him about the second half of my equation, that I'm a boylover. He was pretty surprised, I think, but did a fair job of assimilating my admission. He didn't, however, approve, as, indeed, most people wouldn't. I tried to explain my perspective, as best I could, about my doubts about the validity of a 'one size fits all' age of consent, and about what I would and wouldn't be prepared to do. He seemed to assume that I am the way I am because of some 'trauma', the implication being that I'd been abused myself. I did my best to convince him that no such thing had ever happened, which it hasn't, but I still think he ended by thinking that I was 'broken' in some way - he actually called me 'a tortured soul' at one point - and that I needed counselling/psychiatric intervention to be 'fixed' - he suggested that if I spoke to a professional in that kind of environment, that I'd remember some incident that I'd forgotten that had 'made me this way'. Except that there really, really was no such incident. Nothing palpable happened in my childhood or youth to lend any explanation to my sexuality. Which is why I don't subscribe to the view that I need to be fixed. This is me, this is who I am. I don't, as I said recently, know why I am the person I am, but how many people really do have that degree of insight about themselves?
Still, the lack of convergence in our views notwithstanding, it was a good day, and nice to reconnect with someone I'd lost touch with. And I doubt if it will be last trip to Norfolk.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

8 comments:

  1. I don't think you need to be "fixed," but I also don't know why you have to tell people about it, either.

    There are some things most everybody doesn't want to know about, and this is one of them.

    :-)

    -Andy

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    1. Hello Andy
      So, it seems, the only place you consider fit for me is the deep, dark closet I inhabited from when I was 13 years old. Sorry, but I'm not going back there. Fortunately, I've encountered a number of people, both in cyberspace and in 'face-to-face' life, who are rather more open-minded and empathetic, and who don't conform to your opinion of 'what people want to know about'.
      Of course, if you personally don't want to hear about the vicissitudes of a boylover, then that is your inalienable right. In that case, though, why visit a blog of which a large proportion of its stated raison d'etre is to discuss that very topic? The logic of your position is a little mystifying, I'm afraid. Unless you derive some enjoyment from trying to upset people, which, given your role in helping to drive at least one younger blogger from cyberspace, seems to me to be a distinct possibility.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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  2. I'm glad the revelation went well. I know it's a little different for you then perhaps many others who are "just" gay.

    I'd say he really has mellowed, or matured, which is good.

    Peace <3
    Jay

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    1. Hello Jay
      Of the people who I've 'come out' to, either partially or, in this case, fully, my friend's change of outlook since I first met him is the most profound, and, as a result, to some extent the most surprising. As I said in the earlier post I linked to, I think the difficulties he's been unfortunate enough to suffer in his own life in the past few years - he's been through not one, but two broken relationships - has helped him to realise that his earlier 'black or white' worldview wasn't quite in keeping with reality. I'm certainly glad to have caught up with him again, and I don't think it will be too long before we get together again.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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  3. No, I don't think the closet is the only place you're fit for.

    I just don't think you'll ever find widespread acceptance for your predilections, you said yourself most people would not approve.

    But fear not, I shall refrain from comment in the future.

    -Andy

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    1. Hello Andy
      The choice to visit or not, and comment or not is entirely yours. And I'm well aware of the general lack of acceptance of my attractions, I have, after all, been living with it for more or less four decades. I began this blog as a place where I could 'be myself', albeit pseudonymously, and, without apology, that's how it's going to stay.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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  4. Hello Sammy. Things change and history shows what a culture finds acceptable at one time, can and does change. In the past, boy love was acceptable, and even now we have a wide range of ages of consent all over the world, and even from different areas of the same country. There are even places still in the world where such acts are conducted in traditional and ritual ways and continue as they have for a very long time.

    Ron and I were just talking this morning about an Email I got from a boy in England who is entering collage. He is begin treated like an adult, where here in the USA he would still be treated like a child who just got permission to stay up late. So it is a subject that has different answers and views depending on where you are and the traditions and culture your from.

    I want to take the liberty to say I don't think you are damaged. I think everyone has a "type" of attraction, those that appeal to us and excite us. There are as many types of attractions as there are people. Not all people understand or even agree with others attraction types. I know people who do not get being attracted to the same sex as they are...some even horrified by the idea. However it has slowly become more acceptable to be open about being gay.

    I think there is a big difference between what sexual attractions you have and actions you commit. I may think the young adults at work are cute as all get out, but that still wouldn't make it right to be inappropriate with one of them. So I think you are what you are. And as you stay with in the laws of your country, your an honorable man. As such I am pretty sure your not "broken" and need fixing. I do think we need more conversation on human sexuality, more understanding that sexual desires start in a person well before the magic age of 18 years ( for here in the USA)we also need to get over our fear of sex and the human body.

    Hugs

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    1. Hello Scottie
      I don't believe I'm 'broken', as I said in the post. I'm me, and my sexuality, mysterious as its provenance may be, is just part of that. The problem I have, as you suggest, is that what I want conflicts with current cultural norms, so all I can do is to continue with what I've tried to do over the years, namely to live my life in a way that means that I don't hurt anyone else, even at the expense of unhappiness for myself.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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