I really haven't got the emotional wherewithal at the moment to describe the whole incident, and its perceived implications from my point of view, and, indeed, many people might see it as being ridiculously trivial, anyway, but something happened yesterday evening that underlined my feeling that I haven't got a place in this world, as it's currently constituted. The degree of paranoiac hatred of those, like me, who are attracted to boys, regardless of whether that attraction is actively expressed or not, is close to being unbearable. I really didn't choose this, I can't make it go away or pretend it doesn't exist - if only I could. There might have been a place in the past, or there might be a place in the future, where I could feel 'at home', but here and now certainly doesn't fall into that category. Once more, I'm wondering why I bother to carry on.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Oh boy. I can only imagine from the title what happened. I know it's tough, but carry on you must.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteNothing happened to me directly, it was hearing someone else's attitude that made me first, and briefly, angry, and then depressed almost to the point of tears. If I could work out what I had to carry on for, the 'toughness' might be easier to come to terms with.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi Sammy;
DeleteI wish I had wise words for you. I guess the best I can say is to listen to the man in the mirror. It is the most intense of tortures, to want something you cannot have. But, there is more to life than that.
I view what you say as akin to flowers in the field. They arrive in bloom, full of noisy color and life. Some would pluck them in the very peak vibrance of bloom. Perhaps it is best to simply know that they do bloom, in such riotous color, and enjoy the vision.
My thinking: Be a good man and don't worry about the hatred of others. Just continue on being able to look that man in the mirror in the eyes. And, as Jay says.... carr on.
hugs.
randy
Hello Randy
DeleteBeing able to live with yourself is important, and not doing anything to undermine that is equally important. But 'keeping on keeping on' is, in some ways, a bit of a circular argument, a tunnel with no exit. Here I still am, though, and, no doubt, here I still will be, for the moment, anyway.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B