Lifeache

Even to myself, I'm sounding like a cracked record, but today hasn't been going well. Pouring with rain this morning (although it's nicer now), 'ghosts', most of them too young (as most would doubtless say) to even look at, haunting my every turn, and now, in my local, Daniel, the legally legitimate but still unobtainable, to taunt me further. The most disturbing thing of all, though, was something I wasn't involved in, but witnessed, at lunchtime - a street fight, with people attacking each other with metal poles, amongst other things, and, worst of all, one of the participants getting into a car and trying to run someone over (and almost succeeding - the 'target' ended up limping heavily, suggesting that a glancing blow, at least, occurred). It happened rather a long way from where I'm sitting now, on the diametrically opposite side of London, in fact, but it still disturbed me more than I would have expected, so ironic given what I wrote about yesterday. The main concern, of course, was the sort of environment I'm bringing K into in little more than a fortnight, especially when compared to the safe, quiet area she's done most of her growing up in, but there was also more than a little regret at my having lost that same safe place in my life - my first thought in reaction to the incident, before K even came to mind, was 'I want to go home', 'home', needless to say, being Cornwall, in this context. But I can't, because, in practical terms, Cornwall isn't home anymore, and maybe never will be again. Self-inflicted or not, I can't help but think how utterly shit my life is now, in so many ways.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B