Something inside

Whatever my other faults and failings, I think most people who know me would consider me calm and even-tempered. What most of them don't know, however, is that there's another strand to my personality, one that I'm well aware of, but which surfaces only very rarely. Its last appearance was, I believe, in a fracas at Plymouth bus station well over three years ago, but it was very close to reemerging at lunchtime today. And, in fact, the circumstances were rather similar - I was on a bus that was stuck in traffic, looking idly out of the window, when we very slowly approached, and then stopped adjacent to, a drunk sitting on the pavement outside a building. He evidently assumed I was looking at him in some way he disapproved of, and launched a volley of foul-mouthed abuse in my direction. Maybe it was the memory of the earlier event, but I experienced such a surge of anger that it took all the resolution I possessed not to jump off of the bus and kick the shit out of him. There's a lot of frustration, on a number of levels, inside of me, and I know, from more than one previous incident, that it's not impossible for that frustration to express itself in violence. My awareness of the issue is there, but the wrong combination of events could overcome my self-control. All I can hope is that the wrong combination never comes about.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B