I'm on nights this week, a scenario which brings most of the rest of my life to a halt - by the time I've got back from work in the morning and had anything resembling a sufficient amount of sleep, it's pretty much time to start getting ready to go back out to work again. About the only other thing I seem to have time to do is to think. And those thoughts, at the moment, are sending me in a direction that has, maybe, been there all along, but about which I've long been in denial.
Before I first saw DBJ, in 2006, had anyone asked, and assuming I'd been in the mood to be truthful, I'd have said that my primary attraction was towards boys in their early teens, maybe 13 or 14. After that encounter, series of encounters, with the person I still consider to be the most beautiful boy I've ever seen, that 'age of attraction' probably went down by a year or two, and I found myself being drawn towards the earliest stages of pubescence, towards boys around 12, maybe 13. Of late, though, I've found that those most readily catching my eye are younger still, and that's where the title of this post kicks in. Because when you're looking at those who, by any reasonable definition, aren't pubescent at all, there's only really one valid conclusion. That word, the one I hate more than any other, really does apply to me. Paedophile. However much I try to convince myself I'd never act without informed consent, which boys of that age are never going to be equipped to give, the fact that the attraction is there at all is bad enough. And what's worse is that I've really got no idea how I would react if an opportunity arose. I can tell myself, and the world, whatever I like, but the fact remains that I can't give any guarantees that would mean anything at all in the face of temptation. All I can do is to hope that the fear of consequences, if nothing else, would be enough. Hope. All I have left. It's not much to rely on.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Before I first saw DBJ, in 2006, had anyone asked, and assuming I'd been in the mood to be truthful, I'd have said that my primary attraction was towards boys in their early teens, maybe 13 or 14. After that encounter, series of encounters, with the person I still consider to be the most beautiful boy I've ever seen, that 'age of attraction' probably went down by a year or two, and I found myself being drawn towards the earliest stages of pubescence, towards boys around 12, maybe 13. Of late, though, I've found that those most readily catching my eye are younger still, and that's where the title of this post kicks in. Because when you're looking at those who, by any reasonable definition, aren't pubescent at all, there's only really one valid conclusion. That word, the one I hate more than any other, really does apply to me. Paedophile. However much I try to convince myself I'd never act without informed consent, which boys of that age are never going to be equipped to give, the fact that the attraction is there at all is bad enough. And what's worse is that I've really got no idea how I would react if an opportunity arose. I can tell myself, and the world, whatever I like, but the fact remains that I can't give any guarantees that would mean anything at all in the face of temptation. All I can do is to hope that the fear of consequences, if nothing else, would be enough. Hope. All I have left. It's not much to rely on.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I don't know what to say, Sammy. I try to be upbeat, and at least sympathetic (and I can also be empathetic). I wish you could find some friends, any friends, so that while you aren't at work, you can socialize with someone! Too bad we don't have intercontinental train service! I think it would go along way to alleviating the loneliness, and near-hopelessness that I sense.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteYesterday was a fair illustration of why I spend so little time at 'base' on my days off - sitting in this small space sets off the introspection all too often. Having said that, all that the introspection does is find what's already there, as opposed to the 'displacement activity' provided by going out and about. The issues are there all the time, it's simply a matter of whether I can find a way of focusing elsewhere, or not.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B