Holiday-ay!

OK, so Madonna impressions aren't my strongest suit (I'm delighted to say!), and  'holiday', in my case, simply means I don't have to go to work until Sunday week, but I'm still pleased to have entered a phase where I can hopefully chill out, and have a bit of 'me time'. I doubt I'll do anything greatly different from the five hours or so since I finished work at lunchtime, namely meandering and cutie spotting, then decamping to the pub, where, indeed, I am now. The eye candy hunt has started well, too, particularly in the shape of an absolutely gorgeous boy I saw at South Kensington - almost always a prime spot for spotting, as it were - one of the cutest I've seen in months. If he's set the tone for the next nine days, it could be a lot of fun, albeit with the unavoidable undertones of 'so near, yet so inaccessible' frustration that being a boylover entails.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Child abuse

I saw the front page of today's Sun in the supermarket at lunchtime, and I had every intention of posting about it, but I've been beaten to it. Even by the squalid standards of this excuse for a newspaper, this is one of the most egregious pieces of ordure they've ever come up with. And, as far as I'm concerned, utterly dripping with hypocrisy - The Sun is always at the forefront of those screaming about 'paedos', portraying itself as some kind of champion of child protection, while being quite happy to sacrifice the welfare of a little boy to sell more copies of their disgusting rag. The editor of the paper (and the boy's parents) should be arrested forthwith and charged with child abuse. Because that's what this is, plain and simple.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Quiet weekend

In more ways than one. Mostly it's been about work - just for a change - but it would have been difficult for it to have been otherwise, because I've only had a minimal amount of money to play with, thanks to a cock-up by my bank which I've got to go and address in branch this morning, now they're open again. I wouldn't mind so much if I was actually skint, I got used to years of that while I was living in Cornwall, but to have money in the bank that you can't access through no fault of your own is, to say the least, irritating.
Blogworld has been quiet, too, not many people posting - including me - and not many people reading, either. I've had more spam e-mails than I've had page views in the past two days. Penis enlargement seems to be the favourite scam of the moment - actually, chaps, I'm quite happy with what I've got, albeit that I'm strictly average in that department, even if your worthless products did actually work, so you're wasting your time even more than most of your ilk.
One e-mail I was pleased to receive this morning, though, was K's second missive from North America. She still seems to be enjoying life over there, and moves on to her second destination later today. I hope her holiday continues to give her good experiences, and leaves good memories.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Occupational therapy?

I was very down this morning, close to tears, sinking in my accustomed pit of frustration, self-loathing and perceived failure. I even considered, at one point, ringing in sick for work and going to drown my sorrows. My reasonably strong sense of duty won the day, though, and off to work I went. It turned out to be a thoroughly messy shift, too, all sorts of problems, mostly weather related - it's been thundery this afternoon, and our kit doesn't like lightning, it tends to blow fuses and fry electronics - but, ironically, having the job round my neck actually turned out to be beneficial, because I simply didn't have time for introspection or wallowing in self-pity, and by the time I finished, my mood had stabilised. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because it was my job, or, perhaps more accurately, the amount of time I spent there, that kept my head above water two years ago when my old life was collapsing around me. There's more to work than simply a paycheck, sometimes.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Contact

I finally had some contact from K this afternoon, an e-mail telling me what she'd been up to during her first couple of days in America. She seems to be having a fun time, which, of course, is good, but, from my perspective, I'm just happy that she's safe and well - my reaction to the transatlantic silence was starting to move from disappointment that she hadn't been in touch to concern that something had actually gone wrong, especially given my propensity towards pessimism. I don't want her to think I'm treating her like a child, but I can't help worrying about her welfare, particularly when she's in a place where there's no chance that I could help her, certainly in a direct way. Hopefully now that we've reconnected, there will be some more regular updates.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Stateside

Despite yesterday's eleventh hour alarms, K is now on American soil - her flight from Heathrow landed more or less exactly an hour ago, and she's now in the throes of a four hour wait for a 'connecting' flight. Best of luck, Babes!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

You cannot be serious!

To coin a cliché. I went to bed after getting in from work this morning with K starting to get her packing and the like organised for her departure for the US tomorrow, and got up, five hours or so later, to find her in tears because United Airlines had given her seat to someone else, telling her, little more than twelve hours before she was due to leave, that she wouldn't be flying unless she paid for some extortionate upgrade. To say I was annoyed barely comes close to describing how I felt, and, for that very reason, K wouldn't let me speak to them, because she knows I would've 'banged the desk', in person, if necessary. After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, it now seems likely that she will be on the plane, but only at the cost of a $150 upgrade to 'Premium Economy', so it's been off to the bank in the last hour or so, to ensure K has enough cash to pay the 'blackmail demand' at Heathrow in the morning. I can't believe that any organisation with any pretence to being a responsible business can conduct themselves in this way - it's as though you'd walked round the supermarket for an hour, paid for your purchases, and then had them taken away from you at the shop door until you paid another 15% on top of your bill. Utterly disgraceful.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

If you have to lie....

....to try to get people to accept your agenda, then it's almost certainly the agenda that's the problem. Especially when it comes to the indoctrination education of young people.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Routine

While the world seems to be descending, daily, into deeper circles of barbarism, driven by religion, politics, nationalism, and suchlike completely artificial divisions between the members of our species, what is one to do? In my case, continuing my night shift routine regardless, work, sleep, eat, back to work again. The sky might be about to fall, but it's still human nature to take comfort in familiarity, to make yourself believe 'it will never happen to me'. Probably just as well, because if you dwelt on all the awful things that could potentially happen to you and those close to you, it would be very difficult to avoid being overwhelmed by despair.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

More cowardice

I was going to post about one of today's news stories over here, and began the post with 'I was going to self-censor again'. Well, I have. Yet again. Given that I'm already in perhaps the most reviled class of people on the planet, why should I bother about putting myself 'out there' to be shot at? Why indeed? Human nature, probably. I doubt that many people, apart from unreconstructed masochists, would want to be hated. Or more hated, if they're hated already. I'm not brave enough to take that risk, unfortunately, leaving me frustrated. With myself, and with the world at large. The joys of that 'choice' the haters say I've made.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Sparks

K and I had a little bit of a spat last night, just before I went to work. It was probably more my fault than hers, because I reacted to something she'd said - she said she was joking afterwards, but it sounded pretty serious to me at the time - that reminded me too much of too many exchanges with my ex, the sort of 'you can hold any opinion you like, as long as it's one I agree with' scenario. We made up before I went out, and all was well this morning, in the brief period between my getting in from work and K going out for a day trip to see one of her friends in Essex, but it was a reminder that not everything is guaranteed to be sweetness and light, our relationship has to be worked at like any other. I really don't want to lose her, in the sense of losing her love and friendship - I'm well aware that she'll go her own way, sooner rather than later - because if I do, I really will be left with nothing at all.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Counting down

Back to our ménage à deux after K's friend flew out this morning, leaving my girl counting the days until she'll join her friend 'across the pond' next Monday. The weekend went pretty much without perturbation as far as I was concerned - the two of them did their own thing, meeting up with mutual friends yesterday, and sorting their own food out, so I responded in kind, and kept out of their hair. I began my latest week of nights last night in any case, so even if K's friend had still been around, I'd be largely out of circulation. Typical, though - it's sunny today, and distinctly warm by UK standards, and forecast to remain so all week. It seems to be an immutable law of nature - the weather's good when I can't take advantage of it, and crap when I'm off. Paranoid, moi?!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Robustness, with results

K has a friend staying at the flat this weekend, the friend that she's going to be in the US with, although the friend is going for an extra week, leaving on Monday. Despite our agreement that we were going to keep the flat reasonably tidy, K's room, in typical teenage fashion, had rapidly degenerated into a tip, mostly because she hadn't got around to putting the stuff she'd brought from Cornwall away, and, although I'd been nudging her all week, nothing much had been done to make the room habitable for her visitor. Until this morning, when I insisted, pretty firmly, that the job of organising the place be done, unless K wanted to arrange a hotel room for her friend instead. Between us, we sorted everything out in less than an hour, with K, despite her grumping at my insistence initially, having to admit that it really wasn't such a huge job, and that it was one that had been worth doing. There's the difference between my relationship with K, and the one she had with her mother - my ex would've moaned and moaned about K's attitude, but she wouldn't have actually done anything much to deal with it. I'm a bit more robust than that, with, ultimately, the desired result being achieved.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Media day

K and I will end today considerably more 'connected' than we began it. The main event was the installation of the fibreoptic broadband I ordered a week or so ago, and, with it, a landline phone, the first time I've had such a thing for well over two years. The broadband is pretty fast, especially for downloads - an hour's TV programme on BBC iPlayer downloaded in two or three seconds, which is pretty impressive - while having a landline gives us another, and arguably more reliable, way of keeping in touch, both with each other and with friends and family. The final element was our acquiring access to TV, but, unfortunately, in a rather more expensive way than I'd hoped - the set K had brought with her from Cornwall proved not to be working, so we had to go out and buy a new one. We've ended up with an entry-level 'smart' TV, with some limited internet access, although I haven't played with that feature as yet, and without having to spend a ridiculous amount of money, less than £200, in fact. Another example of the way that technology that wouldn't have been dreamed of not so long ago, and would've cost the earth when it was launched, now costs little more than a family day out, or a posh meal. Amazing, when you think about it that way.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

When America gets scary

It could be said that, as a Brit, American politics is none of my business. But when people use their enfranchisement to vote for people like this, I can't help but worry. Maybe the chances of such an extremist being elected to any position with real power might be very limited, but if there was a series of 9/11 style outrages, perhaps those odds would shorten considerably. And if, in those circumstances. a party with these views took over Congress and/or the presidency, I wouldn't find it too much of a stretch to imagine them wanting to 'export' their philosophy, by dint of the US being the only remaining economic 'superpower' - or through its status as the country that spends far more on 'defence' than every other country combined.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Today's phobia of the day....

....is xenophobia, apparently. There really are times when I could throw some of my work colleagues through the nearest window. This morning's bit of teeth-grinding bigotry involved a particular individual, whose list of hate objects includes most of the human race that isn't him, speaking approvingly of Germany, where 'immigrants' who step out of (the party, presumably the Nazi party) line  'get a good kicking'. I might have called him a fascist, but he probably would've taken it as a compliment. One of these days, he might realise that the only race on this planet is the human race. But I'm not holding my breath in expectation.

Love & best wishes to all

Sammy B

Escape, and beautiful eyes

My weekend malady finally seems to have settled down - I'm back to work at stupid o'clock tomorrow - so I finally felt up to making my escape from the flat this morning. K was due to be out for most of the day anyway - it's one of her London based friend's birthday - so I've reverted to type, and taken myself jaunting. I even had a bit of a (predominantly downhill) walk at one point, taking advantage of the sunshine prevailing at the time, although it's raining again now. Just as the weather began to turn, though, early this afternoon, I had a 'ghost' moment. There seemed to be quite a few school age youngsters out and about today, given that the summer holidays don't start for another couple of weeks, so I was wondering whether some schools had used a 'Baker Day' to coincide with the visit of the Tour de France to London. Whether my speculation was accurate or not, I've no idea, but, either way, my 'moment' came at the bus station outside a huge West London shopping centre, when a boy of maybe 13 walked by. He was moderately cute in general terms, and thus caught my attention, but, as he came closer, I noticed that he had the loveliest pale blue eyes - and eyes are one of my very favourite features as far as good looks are concerned, irrespective of age or gender. He reminded me of J, and that awful night in Manchester, of course, but not too traumatically, so, overall, I was simply able to appreciate his beauty, and move on. Would that it was so easy all the time.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

A weekend with Xander

Given that I haven't been out of the flat since I hurriedly arrived back here on Thursday afternoon, I've needed to find ways and means of occupying myself (in between silly amounts of trips to the toilet, that is). Not for the first time when I've been at a relatively loose end over the past year and a bit, quite a lot of my time has been spent in the company, so to speak, of a certain beautiful, funny, intelligent, blond haired pubescent boy from South East London. Yes, saddo that I am, I've reread Alexandrine. Again. And, unashamedly, I'm more than happy to say that I still love my magnum opus, however masturbatory that makes me sound.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Attitudinal

I read a passage in an online story this morning which struck a chord with me. The story, as much, if not more, about love rather than sex, is based around the relationship between an adult, but youngish man (late twenties) and an 'almost legal' fifteen and a half year old. The scene which caught my attention was set in a gay bar (not in the UK, and legal, by local laws, for the younger guy to attend) where the 'adult lead' referred to many of the clientele being obviously hostile towards him because of the age of his partner. The reasons given are uncomplicated, and lifted, in my experience, straight from real life - some gays hate boylovers, almost more than many straight people do, because they're afraid of being tarred with the same brush, the ridiculous 'all gays are paedophiles' and/or 'all paedophiles are gay' memes. What it means for me on a personal level, though, is that one outlet I might have, at least in a social sense, is denied me, because the idea of walking into some gay get-together, and saying to anyone 'I've known I'm gay for forty-odd years, but I've never been attracted to a man in my life' is simply too terrifying to contemplate.
This exposition of current attitudes reminded me of something else, which I've thought more than once of blogging about, and which I think fits here. When I was growing up, there was a local businessman, getting on in years, in my home town, who was widely rumoured to 'like little boys', as the turn of phrase went in that era. The odd thing is, though, that he was seen as a figure of fun, with people sniggering about him, rather than the focus of hatred, if not vigilantism, that he undoubtedly would be today. In fact, when he was 11 or 12, my brother was allowed, on his own, to go to the man's house to pick up some second-hand cricket gear my parents had bought for him, even though my mum, in particular, was very strait-laced about anything even vaguely sexual. An interesting sidelight on how attitudes change as the years progress - and not always for the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Just sitting and thinking

With no work, not being able to go out because of my illness, and no-one else around - K still isn't back from her trip - introspection has come to the fore again today. And, as usual, that isn't a happy place for me to be. All the mistakes, all the bad decisions in my life come crowding in to fill the vacuum left by not even having routine things to do. I wish I could take on board the fact that the past is done and gone, and no amount of regrets, of wishing and hoping, can change anything. It's born, I think, of the irreconcilable dichotomy of being a perfectionist while being so woefully, hopelessly imperfect.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

I should keep my big mouth shut

Having said, three days ago, that I'd got through a year without a sick day since 2013's episode, I've....just rung in sick for early turn tomorrow. I seem to have acquired a stomach bug of some sort, diarrhoea, aches and pains, temperature, shakes, the full monty. At least K's not here to catch it from me, she's off in the West Country for a school social this evening, and won't be back until - probably - tomorrow night. I did try and go out for a while earlier on, given that it was my day off, and did a small amount of shopping, but soon scuttled back home to be within easy reach of a toilet. Bleeding marvellous, as my uncle's catchphrase used to go!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Resemblance and conjunction

I had rather an odd experience on my way to my local this afternoon. The bus I was on was making its way through a northwest London suburb just after the school day had ended, and one of the passengers boarding was a boy of 13 or 14 who looked very much like one of my closest friends at school as he had been at that age. That might have been a noteworthy event in itself, but, at the very next stop, another, younger boy, maybe 11, got on - and that boy looked like my friend's brother! They didn't look alike, as per the two originals - my friend took after his mum, and his brother after their dad - and seemed to have no other connection, as they got off of the bus several stops apart. Nothing more than a coincidence, of course, but certainly an unusual one.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B

Second half

July already. More than half of 2014 gone. It's said that time seems to pass more quickly as you get older, but I can't remember a year that seems to have zipped by like this one has. I guess I've been pretty busy for most of it, starting with flat hunting immediately after New Year, heading into the paperwork associated with the new place into February and the move itself at the beginning of March. And then, more recently, planning and arranging K's arrival here, and her actual move last week. And, in between times, the ongoing routine of work and its associated commuting, including substantially more overtime than I would have envisaged after my health issues last year (it's just occurred to me, as I'm writing this, that a year ago today, 1/7/13, was my first day back at work after those issues, and that I've managed to negotiate the intervening twelve months without having had a single sick day, which must be something to be grateful for), which, in an average working week, takes up a huge chunk of my life. Still, in a month's time, on August 1, I'll be starting my summer break, all nine days of it. The plan was to spend some time with K, but, I guess predictably, that 'together time' has dwindled rapidly, between her three extra days in America, and, as I discovered a couple of days ago, a two day trip to Scotland she has planned for the middle weekend. Oh well, at least we can't fall out if we don't actually spend any time together!

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B