Friday, 4 July 2014

Just sitting and thinking

With no work, not being able to go out because of my illness, and no-one else around - K still isn't back from her trip - introspection has come to the fore again today. And, as usual, that isn't a happy place for me to be. All the mistakes, all the bad decisions in my life come crowding in to fill the vacuum left by not even having routine things to do. I wish I could take on board the fact that the past is done and gone, and no amount of regrets, of wishing and hoping, can change anything. It's born, I think, of the irreconcilable dichotomy of being a perfectionist while being so woefully, hopelessly imperfect.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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4 comments:

  1. Anonymous5 July 2014 at 00:31

    At least we're all wonderfully imperfect, and there's nothing we can do about it. Man is an inherent fuck-up (excuse the language, please). I've been having some conversations with my new friend about choices in life, and it's caused me to think back about 40-odd years and "what might have been". I know it isn't healthy, but what are we going to do?

    Peace <3
    Jay

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    Replies
    1. Sammy B5 July 2014 at 08:40

      Hello Jay
      That 'thinking back' is the nub of the problem - I know, intellectually, that it changes nothing, but, on an emotional level, it's so hard to avoid. If I could make one suggestion (not advice - I think I remember you saying some time ago that advice is always unwanted or unheeded) to a younger person, it would be not to follow the path of least resistance, but to follow your own path, even if that leads to some negative consequences. At least, if you've been yourself, you'll be able to live with yourself later.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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    2. Anonymous5 July 2014 at 16:27

      I agree wholeheartedly about what to tell young people. I can't say I regretted the decisions I made at the time about staying in the closet, becoming intimately involved with the scouts, eschewing relationships that might have developed for fear of discovery, but now, looking back, I know if the clock could be reversed, there would be some major differences in what I did the second time around. I'm just hoping I've got enough time left to have a "second time around" now!
      Jay

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    3. Sammy B5 July 2014 at 17:45

      Hello Jay
      As ever, hindsight is that most useless of commodities, but I certainly hope that you find what you're looking for in the here and now, as you undoubtedly deserve.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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