I had a very vivid dream earlier today. A boy dream. Not an erotic dream, but rather a romantic one. I was at a party, in a big, rambling old house. My friend at work was there, too, and my dream self ended up in a big armchair, kissing and cuddling, smiling and murmuring endearments, with a boy that was some kind of 'mashup' of his two sons. The dream boy was 13/14, a similar age to the older boy, and with his sweet smile, but also with the adorable blond, blue eyed looks and slightly chunky build of 'little bro'. There was no sexual component to what was happening, just love. I woke almost glowing from the experience. But, thinking about the scenario once I'd woken up fully, it soon turned sour. I couldn't help but think how such a connection, should it be repeated in real life, would be viewed by 'society'. Tantamount to rape, I have little doubt. Is it really so appalling, so beyond the pale, so unforgivably, viscerally hateful that I should want to share my love with a boy, rather than an adult? All the evidence suggests that the only answer to that question acceptable to 'the masses' is 'yes'. Everyone's equal, so they say. Except the ' filthy paedo'.
And, on top of that, today's post brought a letter which might herald the beginning of the end of what tiny amount of worth and dignity remains in my life, might take away the only worthwhile thing I have left, the ability to help my daughter complete her education and achieve her ambitions. Compared to four or five years ago, I have virtually nothing. And even that last vestige might soon be taken away. Then it really will be time to go, I suspect.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
And, on top of that, today's post brought a letter which might herald the beginning of the end of what tiny amount of worth and dignity remains in my life, might take away the only worthwhile thing I have left, the ability to help my daughter complete her education and achieve her ambitions. Compared to four or five years ago, I have virtually nothing. And even that last vestige might soon be taken away. Then it really will be time to go, I suspect.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hello Sammy
ReplyDeleteOn the rare occasions I've had dreams like that, I always wake up feeling somewhat elated, however the euphoria seldom lasts more than a few minutes. Then the harsh realities of the "real world" kick in, and I'm very soon feeling despondent, often depressed. This, of course, along a deep feeling of longing for what can never be. I've gotten used to dealing with it over the years, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I can only speculate as to the significance of the letter you received. I hope the news isn't so bad that you cannot find a way forward.
I still read your posts with great interest, even though all too often, I can't think of much to add to what you've already said.
Warmest regards - Dave
Hello Dave
ReplyDeleteThe warmth of the dream lasted a little longer, in my case, but still, as I wrote, the 'realities' you refer to spoiled things eventually. It's all a maze with no solution, as you well know.
As to the other thing, I haven't the slightest idea what to do, but none of the options are anything other than bad, it's just a matter of degrees of badness. To sum up my life in a 'soundbite', I've got too much past, and not enough future. Thank you, as ever, for your continuing interest and support. It is appreciated, I can assure you.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B