Belonging

I've spent this morning teetering on the brink of another messy, tearful meltdown, but I think I've managed to pull myself together now.
Reasons? Thinking about acceptance, and belonging. Thinking about who accepts me, and why. Thinking about finding a place where I feel I belong. It's not, as I see it, a pretty picture.
Acceptance. I fall at the first hurdle, because I can't even accept myself. It's seems that I've fallen for the propaganda. The tabloid headlines that scream at me day after day. 'Fiend'. 'Vile'. 'Unnatural'. 'Predator'. 'Paedophile'. 'Evil', 'evil', 'evil'. The hatred of what I am. It's not even 'the love that dare not speak its name' in the eyes of the world. It's not accepted as love of any kind, just selfishness, manipulation, the destruction of lives. Innocent victims drowned in a torrent of unspeakable lust. Those who accept me for what I really am can be numbered on the fingers of one hand. For the rest, I can only gain acceptance by hiding, pretending, playing a part, biting my tongue when I want to speak out, deception and lies, all the time. Utterly soul-destroying.
Belonging. I read a story this morning, which proved to be the proverbial final straw that threw me into my latest chasm of despond. The main character, a boylover, talked about finding 'somewhere he belonged'. It made me feel that there's nowhere I belong, at least within the confines of my current life. That brings me back to the 'scrap my life' possibility I thought about recently, but while I might feel I've got issues I want to run away from, there's nowhere viable to run to that would make it any better. You can't, after all, run away from yourself, can't run away from the real world.
Tman had it right when he commented on yesterday's post - until I can love myself, I'm not going to progress. The problem is turning that insight into action.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B