I follow, and sometimes comment on Alex and Tony's blog (My Gay Little Brother). I had a reply to the last comment I made from Tony, to the effect that I could (should?) 'hit the erase button' and start my life afresh. Oddly enough, it's a concept I've been mulling over of my own volition in recent weeks - just scrap my life and start again. There are distinct attractions to such an idea, but any temptation to actually doing it is trumped by the 'elephant in the room' - there isn't just me to consider. My life, and the stage of it that I've reached, is inextricably linked to the lives of my wife and daughter, and I'm not so selfish - at least, I don't think I am - that I could just walk away from my responsibilities. After all, it's not as if anything that makes my life such a frustration at times is any fault of theirs - I decided to dissemble and follow a path of less resistance, to suppress my 'real' self, chose to be 'safe' rather than taking a risk that might have led to either fulfilment or disaster (or both) by playing a part that society expected me to play. In other words, I've made my bed, so complaining about laying in it is nothing more than futile self-indulgence.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Uh... Sammy... I can't remember, but, I think you told me once that your daughter is grown up...I apologize in advance, if I have misremembered...
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, if she is, I'm struggling, trying to understand (geezz.. I'm mistyping every other word, I'm so tired... party tonight-- just got back) what possible rationale there could be for remaining closeted... Fear, perhaps. I get that! But, selfishness?? How so?? The whole point of coming out is to introduce yourself, for the very 1st time, to the important people in your life, so that you can share the rest of you with them. It is a most UNSELFISH act, IMHO...
The path of least resistance?? Don't kid yourself. It might seem so on the surface, but I would wager that the hiding is taking a heavy toll on you, mentally AND physically.
And, the 800 pound gorilla in the room really is the wall of deception that you have built and maintained all these years, at the expense of the relationships in your life.
Maybe my take is wrong, but, I feel that the people that love me, need to understand who I am, so that one day, if the wall collapses, they won't feel betrayed, like I didn't trust them enough to know about me. That kind of thing can be very destructive, especially to young people that trust you. It's not really fair that they find out from someone else.
Well, that's my take, Sammy... I've never been married, so, I can't speak to dynamics of telling your partner about this if you plan on leaving her... I don't know what you feel about that... It does complicate things, much like Sir Walter Scott opined in 'Marmion'... I wish you well. luv, tman<3
Hello Tony
ReplyDeleteIt is complicated, and there are, in my opinion, no viable options at the moment to make it less so. My daughter is 12, almost 13, but she isn't part of the problem, because she is one of the very few people who know the truth, and, for all people might say it's reprehensible that she's involved at her age (my 'coming out' to her was accidental, but once the 'accident' had happened, there was no way of pretending that what she had discovered meant anything else - she's far from being stupid or naive), the fact that she's stayed on my side has had a lot to do with my being able to maintain any sort of equilibrium over the last year or so.
You're right in saying that the 'wall of deception' is the issue which causes me the most pain, but, given my particular circumstances, I honestly can't see any way of dismantling it. If I was, for want of a better expression, 'conventionally' gay, and I was planning to embark on a relationship as a result, then I think I could probably bring myself to tell my wife, but because my attraction is towards boys rather than men, something that 99.9% of the everyday world (including my wife) finds totally anathema, I can't see any justification for putting myself, and far more importantly my family, in the firing line for any potential 'haters'. If my wife found out about me in the same way my daughter did, I'm certain she would feel betrayed, and it would be painful, and what I'm going to say next is probably going to sound hypocritical, but I genuinely love her and don't want her to be hurt, and I also feel a big responsibility to look after her and my daughter, all of which, it seems to me, means that staying closeted, albeit at the expense of my own happiness, is the only alternative that I can see at the moment.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
not hypocritical at all Sammy... honest... I admire that, believe me!! I understand the conundrum... You find yourself in a difficult place, and, I apologize for implying there were easy answers. Your attraction to boys will be better understood someday, I'm sure... It is the unknown that distorts the thinking of people and create the hysterical environment that we live in today... Growing up, just the mention of the word homosexuality made people cringe and freak out if there was any personal connection in many households-- at least the ones that I knew.
ReplyDeleteI am convinced that the hysteria was the result of ignorance that festered and was endorsed by various institutions, including governments and churches, the same that persecute you today. Someday, people will find the time and courage to look at themselves and understand that none of are identical or deserving of hatred simply because of that.
I'm sorry too that I didn't remember the 'outing' by your daughter... It was a result of her finding the blog, no?? I apologize, Sammy-- I have visited so many places on this infernal machine the past 2 years that my memory plays tricks on me occasionally, or just outright leaves me at times!! luv, tman<3
Hello Tony
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel you have anything to apologise about - I know what you mean about the information overload syndrome! My daughter finding out about me happened slightly differently - there was an online connection, but not with the blog as such. I replaced my original blog with 'Quinquagenarian' so she wouldn't be tempted to read it after she found out the name of the previous incarnation on a separate occasion - sorry if the explanation seems a bit convoluted!
Love & best wishes
Sammy B