It would have been another of those 'quiet day off' days, had the last hour or so not happened. Got up, made breakfast for the family, screwed up my resolution to go and get my hair cut, just the usual kind of stuff. Later on, dabbled around online, watched some winter sports on TV, cooked another meal for the family, washed up.
Then the roof fell in.
I could go into intricate details about the way the scenario developed, but the short version is that I offered to do something which I considered to be helpful, to have my wife, far from for the first time, throw my offer back in my face. I was annoyed, and for once had the audacity to show my irritation, in words and body language, and certainly not physically in any way, at which I was dubbed a 'bully' and a 'bastard', and a little later on, equated to someone my wife was involved with before I met her, who was genuinely abusive towards her, to the extent that she eventually had to take out an injunction against him. To say I'm not happy is a huge understatement, and I came as close as I ever have, in my anger, to telling her who I 'really' am. In fact, an hour and a half later, I'm still not sure how I didn't say what was on the tip of my tongue, something like 'Thanks for reminding me why I prefer boys'. Saving cowardice, probably.
I'm not going to claim that I'm blameless in what happened - after all, I could have kept my feelings inside, because that's what I do, day after day, year after year, just to get through life in general, never mind married life, but there are times when the degree of being taken for granted, of having to jump through hoops for little or no reward or recognition, reach levels which bring my frustration to boiling point. What, ultimately, is the point of spending my life not being myself, when I'm not even getting a simulacrum of happiness as a result? It's a question I'm going to have to come up with an answer to, sooner rather than later, if only for the good of my physical health, because the predictable result of this evening's spat was to set my heart hiccuping again.
Nearly twenty years, all breaking down? It could be.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I'm sorry to hear about the feelings that seem to be translating into physical problems for you, Sammy, but, I understand completely... After staying in the closet for so long and experiencing the symptoms myself, I have no doubt that it is just an unsustainable way to live.
ReplyDeleteMy moment of revelation came as I experienced an unrelated (I think) health crisis last Christmas, that put me in the hospital for the very first time, and, on medication that I'm still stuck with as we approach the next Christmas.
It gave me time to think, tho, about the 'thing' that I had valiantly tried to avoid for such a long time. My Godchildren really changed my mind, at that point. I want to be part of their lives, for one thing, but, more importantly-- nothing is more important in my mind, than being able to be honest to the people that mean so much to me-- I couldn't bear the thought that someday, all would be revealed, only I might not be around to explain... I would find that a stain on an otherwise honorable life.
I know it will take time, Sammy, but, I hope you find the way foward, for your sake as well as for your loved ones... luv, tman<3
Dear Sammy
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about this. I'm not sure I'm remotely qualified to offer advice, but nevertheless this seems to me something that you should talk through with your wife, once the situation has cooled down. To my mind, the two people in a marriage should regard each other as equals (though I know it very often doesn't work like this in real life), and in particular it should be possible for either of them to offer a reasonable suggestion and have it considered reasonably by the other. From what you've said, it sounds as if your wife is interpreting the present situation with you in terms of the past situation with her abuser - perhaps understandable, but not helpful, and probably not healthy if it's part of a more general frame of mind.
I think it's almost certainly a good thing that you didn't tell your wife about your sexuality. Even if she were likely to be accepting, doing so in the middle of an unrelated argument is very probably not going to go down well.
Where you go from here, I honestly don't know: it depends very much on how your wife is likely to react, and how much more of this you can stomach.
*hugs*
Mark
Hello Tony and Mark
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's going to happen yet, not least because I'm up early this morning and my wife is still asleep. There will have to be some talking, of course, and we'll have to see where it goes from there. As things stand at the moment, I'm still feeling pretty resentful, which doubtless isn't the best frame of mind to approach any impending conversation.
Thank you both for your support and concern, I really do appreciate it.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B