Maybe my impending move has nudged me into musing about transience, but, for whatever reason, I found myself sitting on a train this afternoon thinking about DBJ. It's not something that happens all that often these days, given that it's 3½ years since I last saw him, but he was in my mind for a good while today. He'll be 16/17 now, and while I'm sure he'll have developed into a handsome young man, he won't be the beautiful boy who I fell in love with five years or so ago any longer. What does that mean for my feelings towards him? Was it just the superficial that caught me up? There's no way of being able to answer those questions, of course, because I never got to know him in any meaningful way - I was always outside looking in, as it were. What would happen if, by some quirk of chance, I saw him again now? I guess the distinct possibility of disillusionment means that it's much better that the chances of my seeing him again are so remote. In my mind, if nowhere else, he'll always be that surpassingly beautiful, graceful boy who ghosted through my life for the last time in August 2010, almost exactly four years after I first saw him. Being a boylover means having to live with the consequences of the evanescent. Because, whatever else, what boys do, inexorably, is turn into men.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I know what you mean. I think back to my high school days, and how attractive the guys I (quite literally) hooked up with were back then. I know how I've changed, I can only imagine how they have, too. I know my memories are fueled by those halcyon days!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteWe all change through life, of course, as do those around us - I remember guys I was at school with who I was attracted to (albeit I was far too ashamed and scared to try and do anything about it) as they were then, rather than as the fifty-somethings they'll be now. DBJ is a special case for me, though, given that he was the catalyst - almost in the chemical sense of the word, in that he prompted changes in me, and ultimately in my life, without any direct involvement or conscious act on his part - for so much that has happened over the past few years. I can't imagine ever forgetting him, as long as I live.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B