Not Proust's most famous novel, but what, I've worked out, I've been doing in regard to my relationship with K. Trying to find a way of making up for all the time that's been lost while she's been growing up. But there is no way of doing that, by definition, really. Lost is lost, for always. We talked last night, but it didn't achieve anything, in reality, apart from upsetting us both, me because I felt guilty at my disappointment over things that are in no way K's fault, K because she felt guilty at disappointing me, even though, actually, she hasn't, as I tried to explain to her. As happens, has happened, so often in what might be described as my 'emotional life', I'm apparently looking for something that simply isn't available. So all that's left is the utilitarian, providing what K needs, materially, in the last phases of her education and road to full adulthood. Then, it will really all be over. And time to go.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
But that utilitarian is exactly what she needs, along with knowing she has a father who is there for her, even if she's not sure what it is she wants/needs (apart from room and board). She's a teenager. She loves you. I'd bet that even if her mother offered to move north, she's now prefer to be with you. Besides that utilitarian, she craves love and attention, as much as she might not show it.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteWe'll work something out, no doubt, because K hasn't really got much of an alternative to her screwed up father for the next couple of years - my ex has moved 'up country', back to her home town, and I have no doubt that K wouldn't want to live there, except in the direst of emergencies. Far more of the problems are on my side than K's - and she knows I accept that - so it's certainly not fair for the girl to take any of the issues on her shoulders, and absolutely not to blame herself for anything. I've just got to be realistic about what she's able to give. Sadly, that's not an skill that's very high on my list of achievements.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B