I had what amounted to a row with my ex when she rang me while I was on the train to work this evening. Her dad's funeral has been arranged for next Thursday, as she told K, and K had passed on to me a couple of days ago. What K didn't say, though, was that her mother was unhappy about K not wanting to stay for the 'do' afterwards, my ex openly saying to me this evening that if K wasn't prepared to do 'the whole thing' she didn't want her there at all - basically, do it my way, or stay away. Even the knowledge of my ex's fragility, on this occasion, didn't prevent me from saying exactly what I thought, namely that to tell your own daughter she can't go to her grandfather's funeral unless she jumps through the right hoops is completely unconscionable. I can't remember being more annoyed with my ex, possibly ever, certainly not since the marriage imploded, and I said so. I spoke to K immediately afterwards, and suggested a possible compromise, but I'm going to leave the 'to go, or not to go' decision up to the girl herself. I'm still seething, though, even four hours after the call.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
To use your earlier terminology, having to deal with a ‘fractured family’ can really be troubling. I feel sorry for your daughter having to deal with the unreasonableness of her mother about the funeral. I hope she can determine a path that will allow her to properly honor her grandfather in her mind without causing her any more trauma. The best you can do is support her as much as possible without denigrating her mother excessively.
ReplyDeleteHello
DeleteMy support for my daughter is, and always has been, unconditional - it was there before the divorce, it was there in the two subsequent years when she was living with her mother, and it's no different now that she's living with me. And, for the great majority of the time, my dealings with my ex since we split have been amicable, but this particular incident has crossed a line, as far as I'm concerned, which was why I didn't hesitate to be forthright on the phone last night.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Oh good grief. I'll cut your ex a little slack given the circumstances, but if she wants to push her daughter away as far as she can, she has certainly chosen the correct way to accomplish that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why K couldn't go to the funeral (she'll certainly be traveling on her own), then leave when it's over. I hope that works out for her benefit.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteHaving spoken to K in the last half hour, since she got in from school, it looks like the compromise I suggested last night, or a take on it, at least, is going to be the way forward - K is intending to go to the funeral, stay on afterwards for a limited time, maybe an hour or two, then travel back. Whether that will be enough to appease her mother remains to be seen.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I've always understood the post-funeral gathering to be secondary. I hope the compromise will appease your ex.
DeleteHello Naturgesetz
DeleteMy daughter is intending to go to the funeral on the 'compromise' basis, certainly as things stand. If my ex remains unappeased, she hasn't, to my knowledge, said so. I'm hopeful, if not yet certain, that the issue will be resolved in a civilised fashion.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
It's A Tug Of War
ReplyDeleteWhat With One Thing And Another
It's A Tug Of War
We Expected More
But With One Thing And Another
We Were Trying To Outdo Each Other
In A Tug Of War
Shame to put the child in the middle.
:-)
-Andy
Hello Andy
DeleteK has never been in a 'tug of war' between my ex and I - the principle phrase regarding access rights in the divorce paperwork was 'according to her (K's) needs and wishes', and that's how it's been hitherto - it was K's decision to stay with her mother initially, and it was her decision to come to London to do her A-Levels, and thus live with me as she is now. There was certainly no coercion, or even persuasion, on my part - I actually advised her to stay at her previous school, given its exceptionally high academic standards, but the subjects they offered at A-Level didn't match K's burgeoning interests in 'media and creative' areas, whereas her current school's major focus is in exactly those areas. K is extremely intelligent, and far closer to adulthood than childhood - she'll be 17 in just over a month's time - and more than capable of putting herself where she wishes.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B