A good word to sum up my life. I've never been popular, not at school, right from the beginning, not even five years old - I was the 'fat kid', when fat kids were much rarer than they are now, and, probably even more unforgivable, I was the 'clever kid' - not as a teenager, although I had a handful of friends, including two, at least, genuinely good friends, not now as an adult and a denizen of cyberspace. I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't even care. Certainly not anymore - maybe I did, somewhat, when I was younger, but now, I couldn't care less. To paraphrase a well-known UK football chant 'you don't like me, and I don't care'. I don't like myself, never have, probably never will, so why should anyone else bother? Even yesterday's dose of self-loathing has passed - I've read the story again today, and enjoyed it, preteen protagonist and all. It's fiction, after all. 'No boys were harmed in the writing - or reading - of this story'. Maybe I should feel guilt, shame, many would certainly think so. But I don't. Eventually, when you're poked and prodded enough, you assume the 'hedgehog position' - curled up so that only the spikes are showing. That's about where I am now.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I don't know why you should feel guilt, shame or anything else. You've never hurt anyone. I guess I was lucky, even as the fat kid (who endured bullying because of it, and even had my name warped into a gay slur even before I knew what they meant - or knew I was), I did have friends. Usually the geek squad, the drama club, you get it.
ReplyDeleteI like you, I care about you. I think of you as my friend! And I don't call people that lightly.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteI don't feel guilty or ashamed, as I said in the post, not, at least, for what I want - the point was that others would think that I should. The mindset I'm in at the moment, I don't care what others think of me in any case. I've wasted my life trying to be what 'society' wanted me to be, and still ended up with nothing. FML.
That said, I'm happy that you consider me to be a friend, and I certainly see you in the same light.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I agree with Jay. No reason to feel shame or guilt for the way you feel, but we all experience this from time to time. Not liking one's self, I think, goes with the territory, but being "different from the rest" isn't as uncommon as the "rest" would like to think. You are not alone, you are among friends here, even though we've never met, and probably never will.
ReplyDeleteWarmest regards - Dave
Hello Dave
DeleteMy 'not liking myself' tendencies go back a very long way, well before I realised that I was a boylover, back, in fact, to when my age was still in single digits, and well before I had the slightest conscious inkling of my 'orientation', still less its implications. It's been many years since I've been ashamed of who I am, though, even if I'm not all that proud of it, either - it's what you do that should matter, and I've always tried my best to 'toe the line' in that regard. I know I'm by no means alone, and I'm glad to have found some friends, and one or two 'kindred souls', during my time in cyberspace, even if, in overall terms, my 'popularity' is somewhere between infinitesimal and zero.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I can't say I've ever "liked" myself all that much either. Like yourself I've wasted much of my life trying to be who I'm not, just to please people, and get by in this world. The unintended consequence for me is that there are often times when I don't really know who I am. I cope with it now, but in the past, I've made myself ill over this. One thing is for sure: The people who think they know me, really don't know me at all.
ReplyDeleteWarmest regards - Dave
Hello Dave
DeleteThat 'expediency', living your life in a certain way to 'get by' is, for me, the greatest frustration in my situation. I've thought, many times, about 'coming out', and damn the consequences, but I've always stopped short. Work is the best example - the number of times I've had to bite my tongue defies description, especially in the four and a half years I've been in my present workplace, but I've very little choice, sadly, because, quite simply, I need the money, and will continue to do so at least until my daughter completes her education. Like you, I 'hide in plain sight', amongst people I know beyond question would hate me if they knew 'the real me'. But they don't know me, and that's absolutely by design rather than by accident.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
The law carries a heavy hammer. Here is a case that just occurred where a boy age 16 apparently had sex play with some younger boys ages 7 - 12 in his neighborhood. Except for a larger age difference than appropriate for such things, this doesn’t seem like such a terrible thing. Of course I don’t know the details, if there was any violence or threats involved. Now, at age 21, five years after the offense, he pled guilty and has been sentenced to a minimum of 20 years behind bars, then he must register as a sex offender and wear a GPS tracking device for the rest of his life.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if he will, but I would find a way to kill myself under these circumstances.
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SPARTANBURG COUNTY, S.C. -
A Spartanburg County man was sentenced to 25 years behind bars for sexually abusing five young boys.
Keith Smyth, 21, pleaded guilty after officials said he abused the kids, between the ages of 7 and 12, in 2010.
Smyth was 16 at the time of the incidents which investigators say took place at a mobile home park in Southern Shops.
The solicitor's office tells us Smyth underwent mental evaluations before being allowed to enter the plea.
“I'm pleased we were able to secure a lengthy prison sentence without exposing the victims to the stress of having to describe what happened to a jury,” Assistant Solicitor Tony Leibert said.
Smyth will serve 20 years before he becomes eligible for release. He will also undergo a court-ordered mental health evaluation and be added to the Sex Offender Registry. He will also have to wear a GPS tracking device for the rest of his life.
Oh, and a photo of him was published with the article and he still looks like a teenager. He's going to have a rough time in prison if he chooses to remain living.
DeleteHello
DeleteI'm very much aware of the potential legal consequences of acting on my attractions - 'historic sexual offences' have, as you might be aware, been very much a 'live' topic here in the UK in the past couple of years, in the wake of the Jimmy Savile case, and that of various other celebrities, and 'ordinary' people, too, accused and/or convicted of such things, with penalties for those found guilty becoming harsher almost by the month, to the point where, to me, it seems more akin to revenge than anything legally commensurate. I don't, I can assure you, condone anything involving coercion in regard to sexual matters, irrespective of the age and gender of those involved, but cases like the one you quote, and their equivalents over here, seem particularly disproportionate, lives being destroyed for 'offences' that constitute little more, if any more, than 'childhood curiosity'.
Overall, the way I live my life, remaining celibate and staying as far away from boys as reasonably practicable, is mainly based on not wanting to hurt anyone, but there is a considerable element of wanting to stay out of the clutches of the 'justice' system, too.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B