Sunday 1 March 2015

Floundering

I know this is going to sound like a cracked record, but I'm really struggling with the 'boy issue' at the moment, more than I can remember for years. Each time I see an attractive boy, and they seem to be everywhere at the moment, I'm feel like I'm being shot by both sides, on the one hand by the frustration of not being able to have what I want the most, and on the other, especially when it comes to the younger guys, by the guilt of wanting at all. It really is a maze with no way out, because I can't possibly justify hurting someone else to make myself feel better, while what I could legitimately have I simply don't want - no amount of attempted 'redirection' is ever going to make me anything other than a boylover, because if it was possible, I'd have done it in a heartbeat, years, decades ago. All I can do is apologise for going over the same dead ground yet again, but it really is a big issue, maybe the biggest of all, in what passes for my 'life'.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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4 comments:

  1. Unknown2 March 2015 at 02:54

    I still contend that with some work you could move those urges upward. I know I did. Not trying is surrender. Saying it can't be done is the same.

    Peace <3
    Jay

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    Replies
    1. Sammy B2 March 2015 at 07:15

      Hello Jay
      With all due respect, I'm the one who lives inside my head, and I know from forty plus years of experience that men, even young men, don't do anything for me. There's more likelihood of my having another relationship with a woman than any man, but even that option is very unlikely, given my aversion to being hurt again. If you want to call it surrender, that's fine by me, but I would call it accepting who you know yourself to be, even if the consequences of that acceptance are difficult, possibly insurmountably difficult.

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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  2. Anonymous2 March 2015 at 17:49

    Hi Sammy

    I know precisely what you are saying.
    "Being shot from both sides" is, in my experience, exactly what it feels like.
    I've lived with that for as long as I can remember. I wrestle with the pain of it every day. Really, no-one deserves to go through life like this, but we do . . . .
    All I can say is - you are not alone.

    Kindest Regards - Dave

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    Replies
    1. Sammy B2 March 2015 at 20:13

      Hello Dave
      This is exactly why I get so angry and frustrated when people opine about attraction to boys being a 'choice'. Who, beyond the clinically insane, would choose a sexual orientation involving such torture, every day? But, as you say, we carry on, because, with one exception, what other option is there?

      Love & best wishes
      Sammy B

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