Recapitulation, and a 'What the hell do I say?' moment

I wrote in my New Year's Eve post about how little I felt the fundamentals of my life had changed during 2011, and that's been underlined this morning. Just for my own edification, I read through some of the posts I published around this time last year, and the sense of being on a roundabout rather than a rollercoaster was palpable. There was even a paragraph in one of them about the consequences of my being recognised through my blog, as per yesterday's offering. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, because there is no end, it's a closed loop, seemingly.
And a big part of that, of course, is my oft-lamented 'double life'. This was brought home to me again by an episode at work yesterday evening. My colleagues got to talking about which film and TV actresses they found most attractive. It didn't take long to degenerate into an 'I'd do her' kind of conversation, and I found myself sitting, literally, in the middle (physically in the middle, because of the position I was covering) of this maelstrom of testosterone fuelled banter, keeping my mouth shut, hoping desperately that no-one was going to ask my opinion on the subject. Because what could I have said? An unconvincing lie? I couldn't conceivably have told the truth, because had I done so, the list would have gone something like this - Jonathan Scott-Taylor in Damien - Omen 2, Peter Bjerg, who played Kim (the blond boy, for those who know the film) in You Are Not Alone, Andrew Ellams, who played Matthew in a 1980's TV adaptation of Chocky, to name but a few. Or even the cute blond boy, eating a large banana, of the double entendre things he could have been doing, outside the station at the 'work' end of my commute yesterday lunchtime. Fortunately, after what seemed like an eternity, the conversation moved elsewhere, and I breathed a secret sigh of relief. Pointless and redundant to say it, but how I wish I could be myself, rather than this perpetual cycle of pretence and deceit. Never going to happen, though, certainly not at work, not anywhere readily imaginable in 'real life'. It's so dispiriting, sometimes.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B