Uncomfortably sensitive

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look, but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child has grown, the dream has gone

Many people will know the next line, of course.

I have become comfortably numb

From the Pink Floyd song, which I heard on the radio a few minutes ago, the second of two linked....I can hardly think of the right word....issues, experiences. The first was thinking about an exchange with someone who was a very close friend at the time, almost 30 years ago, and one of the very small group of people in my whole life who have known about my being a boylover. Then, as now, I had my moments of being very down about my sexual orientation, about the frustration, the deceit, the hiding, the hatred, and he was aware that I was struggling badly on this particular occasion. With, no doubt, the best of intentions, trying to make me feel better about myself, he told me that he'd had a brief sexual relationship with a male cousin when he was in his teens, just boys 'messing around', experimenting. Rather than making me feel better, though, I felt even more bereft, thinking that he, who was as straight as they came, had experienced what I so much wanted, as a throwaway, once or twice 'game'. That feeling is with me again now, the sense of 'missing out', of being denied what might have been the defining moment of my whole life.

I caught a fleeting glimpse. Well, I didn't even get that far. And I'm anything but comfortable, or numb. At the risk of sounding like a cracked record, it hurts. Every day. And the knowledge that it's never going to change in any foreseeable circumstances just makes the hurt worse.

Love & best wishes to all

Sammy B