I've got to find a way to embrace that most terrifying of words - 'never'. Because there are no circumstances, none at all, that I can envisage of having what I want and being able to live with myself afterwards. Even the wanting is almost more than I can deal with.
And they all lived happily ever after. Except one, the lost boy, who never did find his boy to love.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sigh. Wish there were words to help, Sammy.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteIt's hard, by definition, to help the irredeemable. The fact that you're willing to try means so much to me. Thank you.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
What provoked this? It sounds wrenching.
ReplyDeleteHello
DeleteThere's no short answer to your question. Even a precis runs to 699 posts here, more autobiographical fictionalised stuff in the other blog, and many things still in my head. The previous post explains a little, at least in the sense of what provoked the crisis.
Thank you for visiting and taking the time and trouble to comment.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hi Sammy;
ReplyDeleteI often wonder the same thing. Is never such a bad word if what is is tolerable? I don't know. I know that we have to live each day to the best - not like it's our last day, but like it's our best day.
I can't help but to wonder if I will find love. I can't help but to wonder will I ever be strong enough to have it. I look at the young men in resturants and such, wondering and admiring, then going home alone. But, even if I am doubting that, in my community and job, I can have what I want, I `can` want what I have.
hugs and hopes for you;
randy
Hello Randy
DeleteI would imagine most people would have one of two (or maybe both of the two) reactions - why can't I be satisfied with what I have, a wife and daughter who I love and who love me, and/or why should I get what I want when it's so reprehensible. And in my more rational, logical frames of mind, it's hard to come up with much of an argument against those points. But when emotion, when the wanting, takes over, it's pretty difficult to be rational and logical, because the lost boy has been lost for so long, crying inside (and occasionally outside) for the missing piece of his jigsaw that might make it all make sense. Given my age and condition, 'never' is much the most likely outcome now, and 'never' is a word I've found scary for a long time, because it expunges even hope, and once hope is gone, the future looks dark indeed.
However things pan out for me, I hope you can find what you want and need - you deserve it.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B