The issues that started to bubble up a few weeks ago, and led to me writing Perihelion have resurfaced today, and tipped me into a dark place. I wrote the story because I couldn't make myself say, even here, what was in my head, and I'm not finding it any easier now.
His brightness, the boy at the station when I was on my way back after work, that was what set off the avalanche in my head. Bright eyes, bright smile, as he played his balancing game on the platform, laughing as his mum tried to put him off and make him wobble. And just out of his eyeline, my darkness, desiring him.
Then ten minutes later, as I changed trains, another boy, enjoying his family time with his parents and sister. The proverbial final nail, really, because he was reminiscent of DBJ at the same age. The same darkness lapping towards him. My darkness.
Neither boy was more than 10.
There are no more evasions left. I'm just a paedophile.
I've said it, finally, but there's no catharsis. Just a morass of self-hatred and depression.
I don't know if the blog will continue.
I don't know f anything will continue.
I'm sorry. As I made one of my characters say, in another story, however much you pretend to the world. you can't fool yourself.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy
ReplyDeleteYou may have come to understand more about yourself, but, whatever label you feel applies to you, it doesn't affect my view of you. No-one can chose their sexual orientation; the only choice we have is whether to act on it. I believe that you have all the judgment and self-control that you need, and I think that you have no reason to reproach yourself.
Take care
Mark
Hello Mark
DeleteI appreciate, so much, your care and support, but I can't help feeling that you've got far more confidence in me than I have in myself. The wanting is so insistent, so ingrained, that I just can't trust, with any certainty, to my judgment. I don't want to hurt anyone, even myself, but there are no guarantees worth the name. Just hope, I suppose.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B