Another navel-gazing post, I'm afraid. This one has been brewing for a few days, but has probably been catalysed by an e-mail I received from someone, who has read my blog, and who is in a comparable position to me, and by a programme I've watched this evening portraying the darkest of imaginable dark sides arising from desires akin to mine, about the Moors Murders.
What I started to think about three or four days ago was what, specifically, I was attracted to in boys. What is different about a cute boy, in my perception, compared to a woman, a girl, or a man? Predictably, I suppose, no obvious answer presented itself. My first reaction was to think that if I could find a picture, or, better still, a video of DBJ, say, two years ago, that would be its own justification. Because he was so self-evidently irresistible that no other explanation would be required. But that is a circular argument. I love him because he's wonderful, so he's wonderful, because I love him. A snake swallowing its own tail, elucidating nothing. So, what is it then? Why do I find boys so attractive? And the conclusion I've reached is that I really, really don't know. I could talk about faces, bodies, personalities, grace of movement, joie de vivre, but the ultimate 'hook', the combination of all of those things, remains elusive to me.
And as cryptic as the 'what' is the 'why'. As I've said before in this blog, there's nothing I can think of in my childhood that could explain why I'm a boylover. I wasn't neglected or abused in any way, none of my siblings or close relatives have any comparable traits, as far as I'm aware, nothing traumatic befell me. Apart from my being much brighter than most of my milieu, there was nothing exceptional at all about my upbringing. Born this way? I can't prove or disprove that assertion, but I find it hard to believe that it's not the case.
So, what to do? Only, I guess, what I've been doing all along. Try not to hurt anyone, including myself, and especially to avoid any sort of outburst that could see a young person suffering in the way that the victims in the 1960's case suffered. Never, never, never hurt them, never.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I think we all go through the ruminations of "why are we the way we are" and "why do I like who I like" and I'm not sure it has too much to do with one's particular proclivities. I'm positive it happens to those of us attracted to the same sex, no matter the preferred partner's age, since it seems that there is a large population of people out there who, no matter what, wish to revile us, and that it pretty hard to escape. I know there are LGBTQ folks who just accept themselves and just "are", but I just don't know how they ignore the obvious hate, and how they can't wonder why they are the way they are....hmmmmmmm...and the never hurt applies to any preference and any age, so in that you are NOT alone.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteI've tried, over the years, to come to an accommodation with myself about my sexuality, and, some of the time, almost succeeded, but it is the hate, almost universal, even from many other LGBT people in the case of boylovers, hammering away all the while, that makes it so difficult to maintain self-esteem. And then the idiots come along and call it a choice! I can't imagine any sane individual choosing to subject themselves to that degree of opprobrium - I know, as I've said on several occasions, that if there was any way I could 'choose' to be 'normal', I'd make that choice in a heartbeat.
In the absence of such a choice, though, it's a matter of picking the 'least worst' option, which is where my resolution not to hurt anyone else comes in, although, as you rightly say, that particular resolution should apply in all a person's interactions with others, not just sexual preferences.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B