Guilt by association

'He's a cutie'. My immediate reaction on seeing the picture of a boy, a school photograph, by all appearances, on a blog post earlier this afternoon. Once I read the text, though, that reaction has left me feeling dirty and worthless, not for the first time. Because what does that phrase, 'he's a cutie' really mean in the way that it came into my mind? That he would be exactly the type of boy I would be sexually attracted to, 12 years old, very good looking, outwardly happy. Not a million miles away from my mind's eye picture of my character, my 'imaginary playmate', Simon, in Optimal. But what was the reality of his life? According to the report, he was repeatedly sexually abused while in a children's home in South West London in the 1980's, by members of a so-called 'paedophile ring', before committing suicide in his twenties. I often tell myself, and others, mostly by way of this blog and my fictional avatars in various stories in Nephelokokkygia, that I would never knowingly hurt a boy, either physically or emotionally. But how much is that 'window dressing' for my psyche, simply a way of helping myself live with myself? What would I actually do in the face of actual, real-world temptation? If I'm being honest with myself, the answers are not a pretty picture. I might hope not to be an abuser, but that hope looks more than a little forlorn sometimes. And now is one of those times.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B