Not, for once, around my personal situation, but a cyberspace loss I was reminded of earlier today. There is a significant milestone for this blog not too far into the future - within a few weeks, if nothing unforeseen happens - of which more as and when it arrives, and I've been considering how to mark the occasion. In that regard, I was reading a post which I wrote to celebrate, if that's the right word, a much earlier waypoint in my blog's history. What I hadn't realised was how close to that post were a series of others, along with some e-mails, which I wrote in response to an unfolding situation, which seems to me to have had long-term repercussions in 'our' little corner of cyberspace. I'm referring to the discovery that a blog that was central to both my decision to begin my own blogging journey, and to the online life of various other people, wasn't what it purported to be. With the benefit of hindsight, there was a considerable degree of naïvety among people, myself included, who really should have known better, but the saddest aspect was that a little 'community' of people, within which I was only a peripheral figure, not least because many of its members were so much younger than me, people who seemed to care for each other, and who had things in common, particularly that most of us were gay, or at least questioning, was virtually destroyed overnight by the deceit of (probably only) one person. Some of those involved were badly hurt, emotionally, by what happened, but what was most obviously lost, from my perspective, was trust. The first big emotional events in anyone's life, first love, first heartbreak, whatever, often stay with an individual for life, and the disillusionment and breach of trust that many felt over this affair seems to me to be one of those events. A huge hole was knocked in that group of people, from which it never, and possibly could never have, recovered. Proof, if any were needed, that it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the proverbial barrel. Now, almost three years on, I still find it hard to even think of forgiving that person, knowing what was lost.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Oddly enough, I've been having some dialog with that person. I am not sure what to think. Or what to trust. And of course, with some of the other players, whom I trust a lot further. You are correct, a huge hole was blasted into a bunch of friends that won't ever be mended completely. But try to let bygones be bygones, realize that these were, for the most part, young guys that were involved (and hurt ther worst), and I think they all learned from it.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteAs I said in the post, trust was the big casualty here, for me. When you not only never have, but in many cases never could meet the people you are in contact with online, being able to trust what individuals say about themselves is paramount. And when that trust is breached, it is obvious that the fear of being duped, being hurt again is going to play a huge part in how you interact with people in the future. In a direct sense, I suffered little more than embarrassment, but what happened in 2010 has stayed with me, and made me rather more cautious about committing to anything online since. A learning experience, as you suggest.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Cautious certainly covers my interactions with said person. I gotcha there!
DeleteJay
"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."
ReplyDeleteFor your homework, class, please write an essay on empathy, compassion and forgiveness.
:-)
-Andy
Hello Andy
DeleteI understand that you're accusing me of hypocrisy, but, if you'll excuse my obtuseness, I don't quite follow your angle. While I write under a pseudonym, originally assumed to protect my then-wife and my daughter from any consequences of my being 'outed', what I actually write is the truth, at least as far as I see it. Many people may disagree, more or less fervently, with my version of the truth, but what I write is never less than honest. On the other hand, the person who I find it difficult to forgive lied repeatedly over a period of months, both in their blog, and, I'm led to believe, in other online communications, such as e-mails and chat fora, as well, hurting numerous people as a result, including people I consider to be friends, at least in a cyberspace sense. I'm not perfect, very far from it, and I know that I've hurt people in my life, but I am capable of empathy and forgiveness. Just not, as I expressed in a blog comment elsewhere during the fallout from this affair, forgiveness at any price.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Andy
DeleteI'm on nights this week, and I'd only just got up when I read, and replied to your comment. Having woken up a little, and having thought about what you've written for another hour, it occurs to me, and I stand to be corrected, that you might be referring to the circumstances of my marriage, and its demise. When I met my ex-wife, and set out along the road that led to our marriage, I really believed, genuinely, that it was what I wanted. I certainly loved her, and still do, and always tried my best, with varying degrees of success, to make her happy. It could well be said that I lied to her, at least in the sense of lies of omission, rather than commission, but if I lied to anyone, at least for the first fifteen years of our relationship, until DBJ came into the picture, it was largely a case of lying to myself, of trying to convince myself that I was something I wasn't. And, in the past year or so, I've reaped the harvest of my (mainly self-) deception, effectively losing everything. I haven't asked for my ex's forgiveness, nor do I believe I deserve any. I shouldn't have married her, ultimately, it was wrong of me. I know and accept that.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Not accusing you of anything, per se, Sammy.
DeleteJust a reminder to all that we should be tolerant, understanding and forgiving to all, whenever possible.
And I don't see the purpose of re-opening old wounds.
:-)
-Andy
Hello Andy
DeleteI think, for me, your qualification 'whenever possible' is apposite here. And as for opening old wounds, I wasn't even thinking of what had happened until, as I said in the post, I stumbled across some of the stuff I'd written at the time while looking for something else entirely. Even old wounds can have repercussions, and that what I was reflecting on here, as far as I'm concerned.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B