Adrift

This isn't a new subject, so I apologise in advance if anyone who has read posts like this in my blog before finds this one tedious and repetitive. It is something I've been thinking about for most of my waking hours since yesterday evening, though, without really getting anywhere substantive. What I've been considering is the issue of purpose, or, more to the point, the lack of it, in my life. Even before the upheavals of last year, there was a certain feeling of my life lacking a clear direction, because so much of what I did was mired in the negative - hiding, playing a part, not able to tell the truth, not being myself - partly because I was afraid (justifiably, as it turned out) of the potential consequences, partly because I didn't want to hurt other people, most notably my ex and my daughter. Once it had all come to the surface, though, sweeping away pretty much everything that meant anything in my life in the process, the sense of being rudderless became almost overpowering, at times. And that's the feeling that's uppermost in my mind at the moment, a feeling that I can't seem to find a way of dealing with. If I was more of a 'people person', I might be able to find activities, interactions, to help, but that isn't me, and never has been. My recent health problems have, perhaps, accentuated the problem, because I've been even more isolated than usual, but it's only a matter of degree, not of kind. I really don't know what to do, or even what I want to do. I know it's a problem only I can solve, ultimately, assuming a solution exists at all, but if I can't find some kind of justification, some kind of incentive, to carry on, it could all become rather difficult.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B