....not much to celebrate. The boy was here again with his classmates for their swimming lesson, and I spent a happy few minutes admiring him from my window half an hour or so ago. He really is a cutie, albeit that he's probably a year younger than I thought on first sight last week, and thus even further into the 'eye candy only' category. To be honest, though, looking is probably about as much as I could manage at the moment, anyway - I'm going back to work tonight, but, in all honesty, I'm really not fit to do so, only my sense of duty and not wanting to let people down impelling me to go. I suppose the best that can be said is that I'm no worse than I was, say, a week ago, but I'd be lying if I said I was much better. I'm going to have to do a rather circuitous manoeuvre to even get to work, which will involve leaving substantially earlier than I normally would, so I can catch the last bus from outside the accommodation, given my continuing inability to walk to the station. It really would make my life so much easier at the moment if I had a car, but the practicalities of acquiring one, and the fact that the financial vultures would probably want to take it away again in pretty short order, seem to make it an insurmountable problem at the moment. I thought of asking the rhetorical question 'Why is my life so full of shit?', but in all honesty, virtually all of my problems are self-inflicted, so it is, as usual, just a case of sucking it up and getting on with it, I guess.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hang in there. I know you are not feeling very positive at all at the moment, and I'm not sure an anon pal out in the ether sending positive thoughts to you can help, but there it is. I wish you, from this moment, a more positive feeling of self. You have suffered well over the odds, my friend, give yourself a break. At least you are very self-aware. Most people are droids and satisfied with nothing but their day. Only in some small significant ways are you different, but you will get there. Nothing you have ever written about yourself tells me otherwise. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHello
DeleteThank you for your comment. 'Hanging in there' is something I'm pretty good at - to be honest, I must be, or I wouldn't be around to write this reply, because there have been some days much darker than yesterday in my recent history. I appreciate your kind words, and the fact that they were left anonymously doesn't detract from that at all.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Looking is probably all you could manage at the moment.
ReplyDeleteAre you fucking serious? You make it sound like if you could manage more, he would be willing. No, he would be a victim. You actually make me sick.
Hello Ian
DeleteYes, I'm sick too. Sick of your not bothering to read what I write before you launch into your kneejerk, judgmental diatribes. What the fuck do you think 'eye candy only' means? Sick of your jumping to completely unwarranted conclusions about my intentions - I've written often enough in this blog, including the first post about Jake, less than a week ago, that I would never touch a boy that young, and if you can't get the idea into your head that I would control myself for his sake, although I would every time, as I have for the last forty years, and you want to carry on painting me as a completely callous, selfish bastard, I would restrain myself for my sake, too, because if I didn't, it's a one way ticket to jail, and that's a journey I have no ambition whatever to take. If I'm that nauseating to you, there's a simple solution. Don't read the fucking blog, because, I can assure you, I don't give a flying fuck whether you do or not. All I'm doing here is what I've tried to do from the outset, to paint an honest picture of what it's like to be a celibate boylover in a society which loathes me and my kind more than almost any other class of person. Nothing more, nothing less. If you can't cope with that, that's entirely your problem.
Sammy B
Cars are highly over-rated. If there were any way I could do without, I would. But unless you live in a place that has something smarter than trolls for government, you'll own one. Drives me crazy. HAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteI sure hope you get feeling better soon!
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteI don't really want a car, but the last couple of weeks has, as I've said, certainly been a time when owning one would have been extremely useful. The public transport between here and work is really pretty good, but there's just that struggle to do the 'pedestrian thing' to link the various elements up at the moment. I'm sure it will improve - I certainly hope so!
Love & best wishes
Sammy B