A month ago, when my daughter was here for nearly a week during the school holidays, I said to her that if my life was going to be like it was indefinitely, I didn't want it to continue much longer. The only real incentive I had at that point was finishing my story, but now that's done, and it's sunk almost without trace, like most of its predecessors, even that motivation has gone, and, when the seemingly complete collapse of my health is factored into the equation, the feeling that it's time for it all to come to an end is stronger than ever. Maybe I'll find a way of getting over it. But maybe I won't.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
SAMMY! NO!!! You can't leave your daughter. If nothing else, that should be incentive to keep going.
ReplyDeleteYou need to sneak around behind your employer's back and find a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, someone to talk to about this!!! At least see a GP to see if there is something new that is making you so physically sick. But I'm worried about this whole new "come to an end" stuff.
Oh, and I'm reading the story, I just haven't been reading a lot at one time! Sunk it's not.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteThere's a line between living and existing, which I'm on the wrong side of at the moment. This isn't a mental health issue, just a dispassionate assessment of my situation. I appreciate your concern, but, ultimately I'm the only one who can find a solution, or find that there isn't one. K is in the loop, I spoke to her last night. She manages perfectly well without me 95% of the time - I've only seen her for about 2 weeks in the past year, after all. I don't know what will happen yet.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Sammy, your health will no doubt be affecting your emotions at the present and this, on top of all that you have going on with that and your life; you need to at least just try to shut yourself off from everything emotional. I have been there, believe me, for so long I felt life would press me into the ground. I have said it before - take today as just that and let tomorrow go fuck itself. There is nothing there until you get to it, so please use your online pals to rant off, you know it kind of helps and I will be there, as I am sure Jay and your other friends will too. Give yourself a chance and promise yourself to make a new home life for yourself. Literally. But if need be, speak to someone with an expertise in this area. Your life is too precious to end at this stage. I am a great believer in the soul (but I am not in the least, a believer in organised religion), so you are stronger than you think, otherwise you would not have had the strength to shoulder these present burdens. But you can get through it all and will. Just believe it because it is true; and through this suffering you will learn and be available to help those in your future who have less strength, and will need someone as strong as you to help them through bad times. Hugs. Brian.
ReplyDeleteI just realised after reading through my last comment that it sounds a bit disjointed. I am sure you get the essence of it though.
ReplyDeleteBrian.
Hello Brian
DeleteAs I said to Jay, I don't really feel that emotional, it's more a calculated look at the credit/debit situation in my life, and finding virtually nothing on the credit side. My physical health was one item on my side of the ledger, but now that seems to have deserted me as well, it's pretty difficult to justify persistence to myself. But I am still here at present, so who knows? I do appreciate your concern, though.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B