....but not much changing. May has, of course, been a complete write-off - apart from my week in hospital, I've only worked one shift, between leave at the beginning of the month and sickness thereafter, and only left my accommodation, by my reckoning, three times in total. And now, into June, I'm not really feeling that much better, certainly not as much better as I thought I would by this stage, given the amount of rest I've had and the amount of medication I've swallowed.
There are other things that don't change, either - my ex texted me early this morning 'reminding' me to transfer 'her' money. I hadn't forgotten, as it happened, I was waiting for my antivirus scan to finish before I logged on to my online banking, because it had, for once, come up with a couple of warnings. There were many times, particularly towards the end of our marriage, when I got the impression I was worth no more than the contents of my pay packet, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at that being the case now. After all, where's the incentive to get off your backside and get a job when some mug hands over a large wedge of cash on the first of each month? I've no intention of shirking my responsibilities, especially to my daughter, but a little bit of self-help might sweeten the pill somewhat. If I said so, though, it would doubtless be seen as more evidence of my 'unreasonable behaviour', and, in all honesty, it's just not worth the hassle, especially at the moment. All part of the wonderful lifestyle I lead.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Doesn't sound as if your ex will ever cut you a break and that's sad, given that she has to have known your condition! From what I remember your daughter is sixteen or so? And I am sure I don't need to point out that at eighteen, you can deal directly with her and then cut the ex out of it all totally. I am not meaning to sound harsh toward your ex as I don't know nor care about her. I'm simply being literal and to the point for your sake and show a wee bit of solidarity for all that's happened, who you are, and where you are going. ay steps, Sammy. Days are difficult; I know, and though I cannot know the emotional pain you suffer, I have suffered much, and found a happy medium in which to live my life and be happy - be thankful. We are here, afterall, and can do nothing about that. But given time, you will be able to balance things out.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you for the near future, Sammy.
Hello
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, my ex and I are on reasonably amicable terms, and I certainly still care about her, even if there's not that much reciprocity. There are odd frustrations, though, of which the text message yesterday was certainly one, her seeming disinterest in getting a job and helping herself being another - it's not as if I'd stop making my contribution if she went back to work, as she well knows.
The main problem I have on a day to day basis, apart from the (hopefully) short-term issues with my health, is a sense of isolation, seemingly with little or no hope of amelioration because of the sort of contact I would want. It certainly isn't about sex, but a friendly, or better still loving, contact with someone in my preferred group, but, of course, such things don't happen in real life to fat, middle-aged men, not in this hateful, paranoiac iteration of society.
Thank you for the good wishes, I can assure you they are much appreciated.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I don't know how divorce settlements work over there, but i do hope that when K turns 18 (or whenever the age of adulthood is over there), you can at least help her directly, with less going to your wife. I think that would be a lot more satisfying.
ReplyDeleteDunno how to help you find friends, except doing what I do - get out and look. I know what you'd like, but knowing it won't happen is no reason to sit and do nothing...believe me, second best is better than nothing! And it's resulted in some fine friendships, eh? Not that I think of any of my friends as "second best"! You/they certainly aren't!
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteThe financial side of the divorce is more or less a voluntary thing, aimed at looking after K, rather than something 'court-ordained', but the fact that my ex seems to be using it as an excuse to do nothing is something I find frustrating, at least intermittently. There are a number of permutations in my mind that would involve money going direct to K once she is 18, which isn't really that far off now, just a little over two and a half years.
I don't feel I'm that short of friends, in the general sense, although none of them are particularly local to 'domicile-ville', which has left me a bit isolated during this spell of ill-health, but what I am lacking is a deeper emotional connection, a 'relationship', for want of a better word. And that is where what I want, and my unwillingness to accept another 'second best', after my ultimately ill-advised marriage, have led me into what is a dead end, in any foreseeable circumstances. When all's said and done, I have no idea what to do about that particular predicament - in fact, as I said recently, I don't think there even is a solution, given society's almost universal hatred of boylovers, even those who are prepared to remain celibate. It is, as I've said before, like a maze without an exit.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Yeah, I hear you, Sammy. I'm glad the thing with your wife isn't as irritating as I read it to be, I understand better now. As to a relationship, I get you there, too, now. Guess in my more or less addled state, I wasn't making clear connections.
DeletePeace <3
Jay