Emptiness, revisited

This post has been fermenting, as it were, since it was largely composed in my head at around 10:00 this morning. I was going to publish it, then I wasn't, mostly because of the self-censorship I've been prone to of late, because of what people might think of it, or of me. But, ultimately, only a tiny handful of people read this blog, so my thinking in terms of 'consequences' is really rather self-aggrandising, even masturbatory. And, of course, even the few, much appreciated as they are, aren't forced to read in any way, so I'm going to 'publish and be damned'.
It began with a thought on the first bus I caught today, from the flat into the local town centre. I realised that, having set out from home, I had absolutely no idea of where I was going to go. Then, it struck me that it made no difference where I went, because, whatever my destination, there was nothing and, more to the point, no-one there for me. The feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, was as sharp as any I've felt since the very early stages of my split from my ex, two years ago. I need someone to take my hand and lead me away from this place I've found myself in (sorry for the plagiarism, David, but it was such a lovely, lovely phrase, and one that struck such a chord with me), but, given my lifestyle and my personality, I simply can't see how it could come about. I'll keep going through the motions, no doubt, for K, at least, but going through the motions is all it will be. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do one of the few things I do seem to be able to do effectively, and get drunk. I may be some time.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B