What's the point of self-control, of 'morality'? I've been thinking about that question for the few minutes since I published the previous post. If 'they', society and its commentators, hate me, even beyond the grave, whether I restrain myself or not, why shouldn't I just go out and inveigle my way into some boy's acquaintance, why not even resort to coercion, physical or emotional, to get what I want? There was a cute little guy standing next to me on a busy tube train earlier on, slightly separated from his mother and siblings by the rush hour throng, who I might well have been able to abstract from the train almost without anyone noticing immediately, had I been of that turn of mind. So why not do it? Several reasons, some selfish, some more altruistic. There's the obvious fear of consequences - having a brother who used to be a senior prison officer, I've had the 'inside track' on how appalling, dehumanising, prison is for anyone, without the extra layers of opprobrium a sex offender has to face. There's the question of living with myself - my self-image is already poor enough, before adding in any more self-hatred, any more failure, along with the allied issue of needing to employ such expedients because there's no-one who would choose to be with me. Then there are the aspects mediated by 'morals' - the damage, physical and psychological, to an innocent party that could be inflicted by a non-consensual contact, the knowledge that such damage could affect someone for their whole life, could even affect future generations if it led to the victim having a dysfunctional relationship with their own children, ripple after ripple in the pond of the future. And, most of all, because I never, never want to hurt anyone else in any way I can conceivably avoid. Some, many, might find that last statement implausible, coming from a boylover, but, as far as I'm concerned, it's the truth. And the underpinning philosophy of the way I try to live my life, even in the face of all that hatred.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I think you answered your own question, because I was formulating those words as I read the first few lines. Basically, you're not a child MOLESTER. The rest speaks for itself.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteIt was a rhetorical question, of course, I knew the answers before I began to write the post, but it perhaps doesn't do any harm to remind myself of the reasons for living the way I do - especially the impact my desires could have on others, if expressed in an inappropriate way.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B