Apathy

After a few hours sleep, any remnant of the intensity of 24 hours ago has gone completely. I'm feeling really flat and tired, tired of just about everything in the current iteration of 'life, the universe and everything' as it applies to me. I'm struggling to come up with a single justification to carry on with any of it, beyond the usual 'this is what I do because this is what I do', a hopelessly circular argument if ever there was one. Even this blog, in which I have invested much of my 'passion', such as it is, over the past couple of years, is starting to seem like an exercise in futility again, a majority of my recent hits seeming to come from Russian based 'web crawlers'. I seriously considered pulling the plug again last weekend, perhaps the only reason I didn't being that with the amount of hours I've worked in recent days, I didn't have time to write a valedictory post, a completely fatuous reason for continuing by any standards. I'm tired and disillusioned by the fact that the only way I can say what I want to say is by hiding behind an avatar, a mask, one which I've come to heartily despise. 'Sammy' is me, to a point, at least, but it isn't the 'real me', the person in the round. But then, in my 'real life', I'm not the 'real me' either, because I couldn't interact with 'society' in any meaningful way as my true self, as an 'out and proud' boylover, given the hatred that society espouses for who I am and what I want. There are days when I feel like I want to just go and crawl into a cave, never to re-emerge, and today is one of them.

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B