I had a text the other evening from a guy I used to work with, and shared accommodation with - three of us, all from the West Country, got jobs at the same place at more or less the same time, and we rented a house together - when I was working away from home the last time, in Berkshire between 2002 and 2006. The location we worked at then is closing over Christmas, and being merged into a larger, regional centre, and a 'leaving/closing do' has been organised for this Friday. Predictably enough, I'm on lates, so I won't be able to go - at least my liver will be relieved, given the boozy way these events usually seem to go, but it's a disappointment to miss out, nonetheless.
The theme of missing out has made me think about yesterday's post, and how I'm 'supposed' to live my life. OK, the post was larded with self-pity, I will admit, but it did reflect how emotional I was at the time I wrote it. The underlying issue, it seems to me, though, is a significant one. Am I meant to apologise for being who I am and what I want at this point? I've spent almost 40 years of my life not having what I most want, isn't that worth at least a modicum of sympathy, even if only from within? Maybe not, maybe what I want is so vile in the eyes of the world that even wanting, still less doing, is enough for me to be hated and ostracised.
A boy to love, who loves me back. Less obtainable, it seems, than all the riches of the world.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
I think we all share sympathy in that there are so many of us who, for whatever reason, can't have what we want most. I'm still in the closet, mostly, and can't yet imagine myself out enough to hold a man's hand in public, much less anything further. Whatever the want, it's real, it's painful when it can't be fulfilled, and you certainly have my sympathy for that!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
ReplyDeleteSelf-centred self-pity on my part, I know, but that most appallingly terrifying word, 'never', seems to have come back to torment me again. When I can bring myself to think about the implications of that 'never', it makes me question whether I can go on in the way I am, or, indeed, at all. While I'm in no way belittling your sympathy - I genuinely value your concern - if sympathy is all I have to look forward to, my outlook isn't promising. My fault, of course, for having allowed my life to descend into such a mess. And, ultimately, I'm the only one who can sort the mess out, assuming a solution exists.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B