I dreamed of my ex-wife last night, not something that was particularly common even when we were together, and certainly not since it all imploded. I dreamed that I was explaining myself and my motivations to her, and that she understood, at least to a point. The dream seemed hardly less surreal than the reality, the way things are now. It's her birthday next week, and, for the first time in more than twenty years, it won't be a significant day for me, except in as far as it signifies how much things have changed since the equivalent day last year. It really does seem to have been a whole different life, as distant and unapproachable as a mirage. Of course, no amount of navel-gazing will change a thing, the fork in the road was passed on February 29 2012, and there's no way of retracing my path, to find my way back to that other place. The lost boy, more lost than ever.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Do you want to go back though?
ReplyDeleteHello Ian
DeleteTo an extent, it's an academic question, because there's no chance of going back. That said, there is certainly a part of me that, given the opportunity to 'rewind' to this time last year, would want to do things differently, or, indeed, to do nothing at all. For all the frustrations of my former situation, I did, and do, love my ex, and I'm sorry to have lost what we had. The problem now, and one to which I'm far from finding a solution as yet, is not only what do I do, but what do I even want to do? I'm far from certain that there is a solution, to be honest.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I know all about the reliving things, over and over. It's been nearly 6 years since my dragging over the coals, and it will never get out of my head. Time heals all wounds. Ha.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Hello Jay
DeleteFor me, I think the fact that so much was lost so abruptly, even if it was an accident waiting to happen, is the aspect I find most difficult to come to terms with. That's what I tend to dwell on, the complete implosion of it all. Maybe time will heal, or, at least, take the edge off of things, but that hasn't happened to any discernible extent yet.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B