I saw something while I was out today which made me think along lines that hadn't really occurred to me before. A woman, of around my age, or perhaps a little older, boarded one of the buses I was on, pushing a wheelchair, sitting in which was an older lady, who I presume was her mother - there was certainly a family resemblance. The woman didn't show any sign of thinking of what she was doing being an imposition, but I couldn't help but think that I would never want my daughter to be in that position in regards to me, and I told her so when I spoke to her this evening. The way I view my role towards my daughter, as I've said before in this blog, is as a caretaker, helping her, as far as I can, to set her on the path that she would choose for herself without imposing any of my issues on her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't owe me anything, and I wouldn't ever want her to think that she did. She's her own person, and should go and live her own life, without feeling that she has to sacrifice anything on my behalf. All I have asked her, and that only as a favour, is that when I die, that there isn't any religious input into my funeral, and that, if any music is played, it should include Never Understand by The Jesus & Mary Chain. If she's willing to do that much for me, it will be more than enough.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Hello Sammy;
ReplyDeleteI was struck by your thoughts above. I think it is the wish of most parents that you say here.
But, what caught me is that time for us all when we need a helping hand. We don't want to burden our children - and we assume it is a burden to care for us in our time of need.
Perhaps it is a burden, but for many it is a burden willingly endured for the opportunity to give love. Love, like a gift, increases the giver as it increases the receiver.
Yet, even having that thought, there is a hope that we never need to see our parents as anything but strong.
... I'm not saying this well. Does it make any sense?
ah well...
hugs!
randy
Hello Randy
DeleteI understand what you're saying about the worth of altruism, giving to another person purely for that person's good, but I really wouldn't want my daughter to be weighed down with looking after some decrepit future version of me, even if she did so willingly. I've fulfilled my biological purpose by passing on my DNA, and my senescence is all part of that process, leaving my genes to represent me in the future, in the shape of my daughter and any children she may eventually have. To want anything more than that is just vanity, unwarranted self-importance. And maybe I might have passed on a worthwhile 'meme', of how to do your best to be a good parent.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
With no children, it's hard to truly understand feelings. I know when my father became ill, my brother and sister-in-law, mostly because of proximity, took on the burdens of his care in his final months of illness and deterioration willingly and happily. I have no idea what will happen to me when I get old and decrepit. Living alone, I could go tomorrow and it would be a week before anyone figured it out.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
(boy that was a ramblin' nothing of a comment)
Hello jay
DeleteAs far as living alone goes, I'm really in no different a position to you now - if I'd died in my bed last night, the only people who would have noticed in the short term would have been those at work, when I failed to turn up this morning. That said though, even if my daughter lived next door, I still wouldn't want her to feel that she was beholden to me in any way, that she had some kind of 'duty', even if it was performed willingly, to do things for me at the expense, inevitably, of things she could and should be doing for herself. Because, as I said to Randy, her duty now is to the future, not the past, but, as a side-effect of looking after the future, she looks after my inheritance, too, should she have children of her own. Even if she remains childless, but lives her life the best way she can, that still honours what little I've done for her, as far as I'm concerned.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B