An epiphany. Nothing less. At 6:15 in the morning, prompted by a line in a film review in Radio Times, of all the unlikely sources, describing J.M. Barrie as 'the original boy who never grew up'.
Because that's me, in a nutshell. Just accepting that simple premise explains so much about me, the intermittent emotional neediness, the self-centredness, the occasional fits of petulance, the tendency to impulsiveness, and perhaps, above all, my sexuality - if I'm still a boy in my head, why wouldn't I be attracted to other boys? I know, in practical terms, that it makes no difference - in the eyes of the world, I'm an adult, and one with a despised sexual preference at that, but if I can accept what I am inside, those externalities are so much easier to cope with, and, far more importantly, it gives me a way that I can successfully live with myself. As long as the boyish impulsiveness doesn't break through the wall of self-control and lead me to get involved with someone I shouldn't, and it never has yet, albeit with one or two very near misses, I'm safe, because I would never attempt to use the vagaries of my psyche to excuse anything illegal, and I have enough consideration for others never to force myself on anyone who wasn't willing.
The irony of it all is that a very similar comment was made to me well over twenty years ago, but its veracity didn't fully strike me until today. The previous example came when I was staying with someone who was a close friend of mine, who lived in Leicestershire at the time, and who is the third person that I'm 'out' to IRL (I haven't seen him since just before we moved to Cornwall, having fallen out with him over an issue completely unconnected with this, a sad example of the perils of mixing business and friendship). During the weekend I was staying with my friend and his family, his brother, who lived in the same area, and my friend's two nephews came to visit. I had what was, at the time, a big novelty item - a computer, an example of the very wonderful ZX Spectrum, which was soon plugged into the living room TV. The two boys, my friend's two daughters and I, had a fun afternoon of gaming, with the other adults giving a poor impression of not really being that interested in these kids' games, and after my friend's relatives had left, he commented on my having got on well with the two boys, slightly surprisedly - whether the surprise was engendered by my usually rather aloof persona being breached, or whether because the boys were known for being a bit difficult and boisterous (being boys, in other words), I'm not sure - but then continued with 'but that's because you're a boy yourself, I suppose'. I was mildly offended at the time, feeling as though I'd been slightly juvenilised, but, especially with hindsight, he hit the nail exactly on the head.
After a morning in which I felt much better about myself, and about life in general, the upswing was enhanced when I got home from work, to find a letter confirming my transfer date to my new job as September 27. After all the problems I've had in my present job in the last few months, the prospect of a definite point in the future when I'm going to be making my 'escape' is a very welcome one, even if it does entail the downside of beginning an indefinite period of spending the majority of my life away from home. I'm sure my family and I will find a way of making it work, and it certainly won't be forever - as soon as circumstances permit, I'll hotfoot it back to sunny Cornwall, hopefully permanently.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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